Not mine, Little Man's. Although his anxiety is causing me a ton of anxiety, which in turn is making Hubs kind of bonkers. But it begins with Little Man, unfortunately.
We had another visit with his behavioral psychologist last Friday, and mentioned some of Little Man's newest quirks;
* TV shows that he loves one minute are incredibly upsetting the next, to the point of him collapsing on the floor in hysterical tears. This can come even after we've watched the same show on loop for 3 hours - suddenly whatever is happening is no longer good.
* Hugging himself and pinching his arms when he is upset about something. To the point where he can bruise himself.
* Crying so hard in the middle of the night that he can't calm down, for seemingly no reason. He'll cry so long he loses his voice.
*Periods of time where he is laughing hysterically at something and then seconds later is melting down in a puddle of tears.
We'd been chalking up all the behaviors to Little Man being four years old. Ya know, he's had too much sugar and is a wild child today, or he's been up for too long and he's so tired... He hates that episode of his show. He doesn't like that sound, or food, or ambient lighting.
But his psychologist is concerned that a lot of these behaviors are actually labile mood swings, which he assured us are very common in children with brain injuries. And also that Little Man might have some anxiety issues that might be resolved with medication.
I know it isn't a bad thing to need medicine to manage psychological issues. I know that if we put him on medicine and it doesn't work, we can take him off it again. I know that if it is actually an anxiety problem holding him back from further development, then I will kiss this doctor and thank my lucky stars that we found a way to help Little Man.
But I hate the idea of medicating him. It brings me back to Little Man as a newborn, completely sedated with phenobarbital every day. It makes me think of how hard I had to work to find Keppra and beg doctors to release him to our care despite the fact that liquid Keppra is apparently equal in cost to liquid gold, and there was no way we could pay for it on our own. When I hear the word "medicate" all these memories swirl around my mind and overwhelm me again. I feel hopeless and like I'm not doing enough for Little Man.
I don't like that I feel this way, but I do.
And so Little Man is going to head back to Kennedy Krieger to get evaluated by some of their specialists, and they will determine what plan of action and what medication would be best for him. More doctors, more driving, more therapies. It is a never ending cycle. I am feeling a little blue about it today, but hopefully my anxiety about Little Man's anxiety issues will be resolved soon.
In better news, Hubs is doing well, I am doing well, and we're enjoying life as it is settling back into our "normal" routine. I have one more weekend of playing clarinet in a pit orchestra with our local theatre group, and then we are heading to visit family in Wisconsin for a couple of days. Christmas will be here before we know it, and Little Man's bedroom is slowly coming along! Just keep swimming...