Welcome to the New Year! Wrapping up the old one first...

Well it has definitely been a minute or two since I have had a chance to update the blog.  Life has certainly not been dull around here, so I will do my best to make this as concise and interesting as possible!  I'll try to start from where we left off...

Our wedding anniversary dinner in November had the tiniest little hiccup to it.  Ex had promised to pick up Little Man for an overnight visit.  I reminded him multiple times that he needed to be at pickup by 2:00 PM at the latest, so we could make sure we made our dinner reservations.  Somehow between 10:15 PM and the next morning, his car broke down, he lost his phone, and was unable to contact me in any fashion til 3:30 PM.  To say I was livid would probably be abusing the word livid.  In true Ex fashion, he wasn't able to form an apology - but he had plenty of excuses. He insisted that we wait for him to come get Little Man, which would have put pick up time at around 6:00 PM.  Yeah, that wasn't happening.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me (and Hubs wisely lets me deal with Ex solo).  We'd given him so many chances over the past year and he just kept letting us down over and over again.  I said some not-so-nice things on the phone to him and told him to get his life together and contact us again when that happened.

That was November 16th and we haven't heard from him since.  No Christmas wishes, no New Years greeting - he has just vanished.  We got a check for $100 he mailed a day after the phone call, but even with that check it puts him behind in child support by 4 digits.  At this point, Hubs and I are just so exhausted with the lies and the excuses that this is almost a relief. While the occasional babysitting was nice (5 times in 8 months), it wasn't worth the amount of work we had to put in to ensure Ex saw Little Man.  I'm not sure what his plans are and whether or not he wants to continue to be in Little Man's life, but at this point if he walks away we aren't planning on chasing him down.

Whew.  So that was a heavy first topic!  Moving on to more fun things - December was jam-packed with activity!  Hubs began his 2 1/2 week vacation by driving us all 16 hours up to my grandparents in Wisconsin!  My grandfather had a pacemaker put in days before we went out, so it was wonderful to get to see him and be assured that he was doing well.  He adores the boys (us grandkids are pretty much chopped liver when the new baby is in the room) and was tickled that we spent a few days with them.  My grandmother has pretty bad Alzheimers so while she enjoyed seeing us too, she was very confused a lot of the time. We spent two days there with my mother and sister and had some great family-bonding time.

The boys are adorable.  The afghans are older than all 3 of them.

Of course, it wouldn't be Christmas without a plague of some sort - so Little Man brought some sort of snuffly/coughy/sinus thing from his kindergarten class and passed it around to everyone except Hubs.  That meant not only was everyone cranky and tired for the drive home, but I was utterly useless.  So the drive took much longer and was broken into two parts.  Little Man doesn't sleep in hotels very well, so that was a nightmare within the nightmare.  Lets just say we mostly used the hotel to stretch our legs, because no one was sleeping.

The calm before the storm.

Once we got back, it was almost Christmas!  My mother and sister came down and spent Christmas Eve here, where we did our annual beer tasting and dinner.  I was so excited because last year I had to miss out on all the fun (read; alcohol), and this year I was very ready to relax and have a great night after our hellish drive home.  My sister even cooked dinner, so it was really one of my favorite parts of Christmas. 

Now I'm craving lasagna again.

We got through 2/3 of these and then someone fell asleep feeding the baby so we called it a night.
Don't worry, we had the rest a few days later.

Christmas Day was spent with my Hubs family, which was extra awesome because they live so close to us. His mom cooked (I cannot believe I got out of cooking anything this year!) and then we just relaxed and enjoyed the holiday.  

[Well, Little Man had a bath midway through the evening, but luckily it was after dinner and presents, and it was just family around for that little disaster.  The diaper problem has since been solved, albeit very unconventionally.  Duct tape on the legs of a footie pajama put on backwards with the feet cut off.  It is the only thing working for us right now.  We have several brightly colored rolls of tape to match his pajamas, and we put the tape loosely around the ankle so it keeps him from being able to pull up the pajama leg any higher than his calf.  He still tugs at the diaper but now it can't really be released from the pajama itself, so even in the rare case that he gets it off most of the mess is contained within his pajamas.  Not an ideal solution, but a solution.]

So Christmas came and went, and we were all spoiled rotten.  Of course the boys got everything their little hearts desired, despite Mommy and Daddy only getting them one gift each.  Between grandparents, great-grandparents, and god-parents, these kids will never go naked, hungry, or be bored.  Hubs and I can't complain either - I was so touched at how much thought all our families put into our gifts.  We both said that after this year it will be hard to top the gift we found for our mothers - we made them photo blankets with a collage of the last few years of our family.  I couldn't wait to watch them open them on Christmas and was so close to spilling the beans about them early - luckily UPS made sure they didn't arrive too early and so I was spared having to keep them a secret for too long!

We spent the rest of Hubs vacation partying with friends, having our first New Years Eve as a family, and lazing around the house watching Redbox and Netflix.  Our resolution this new year is to eat more dinners at our table (instead of on the couches in front of the tv), and we've managed to do that... once!  We'll keep trying though.  I also auditioned for a local production of "The Wedding Singer" and received the role of Holly, so these next few months I plan to viciously attack the treadmill and get back on the clean-eating wagon.  One of her lines is about wearing "my skin tight bustier."  Yikes!

On that note, I leave you with Little Man's holiday photos.  I got some taken at Target too but haven't picked them up yet - whoops!  Even though he is such a happy baby, I seem to always catch him being so serious.  Most of our friends have nicknamed him "The Judge-y Baby"... and I'm thinking that might stick.  Happy New Year!

I actually took this because I was laughing at how many people do this pose because of Pinterest.
Then I fell in love with the photo.
Hypocrite.  I can't even apologize, because I like it so much.

This is my favorite Christmas photo ever. Feet.

I am going to lose my schmidt.

I am at a boiling point again with Ex and its just... not working.  I am repeating my favorite Ex-related commandment to myself on loop - "Thou shalt not complain too hard, lest thou get even less help than usual." 

It's not working.  Plus, I'm about to give birth to a baby whale*.  STRESS.

*He's in the 60th percentile now, but at some points he has measured in the 80th.  I know, you're clenching your thighs together right now worrying about this too aren't you?  No?  Maybe that's just me.

Ex was supposed to take Little Man two weekends ago, but my mother came into town last minute and wanted to spend time with all of us for Little Man's birthday.  So I text Ex and let him know that we'd keep Little Man for that weekend, and he could have the weekend after.  Easy peasy switch?  No, he said he'd just skip his visit altogether so we could "stay on schedule".  Erm... schedule?  Whatever dude.  So obviously since he hasn't seen him this month we were eagerly anticipating our (ideally) last kid free weekend before the baby gets here.

High hopes that were dashed, when I got a text last night that "something came up" with his new place and he is homeless again so he doesn't know about this weekend.  -____-  I guess the only bonus points he gets are for texting me on a Tuesday night instead of the day before pickup.  But really, now he is a full month behind again with support (not that he ever caught up from before) PLUS he hasn't seen the kidlet in a month.  RAWRRRR.

Did I mention that while I am writing this I am contracting like a mo-fo?  And Little Man is currently going through a stage that I am fondly calling the "F-You Fives", which consists of screaming bloody murder for hours until he is hoarse and I finally give in and plop him in front of Super Why until he calms down?

Yeah.  Things are a little stressful at my place today.  Ex is supposed to be our sitter during the whole "giving birth" thing I'm about to go through, and if he doesn't get his life together and doesn't watch Little Man, I will seriously consider ripping his face off.   It has come to that point, in my very stressed out, pregnant brain.  

Anyway, my contractions are starting to come on a little more strongly, so I think I should start timing them or something.  Send me good thoughts, and hopefully Ex will pull through for us if things start happening!

What Is Being "Selfish" versus being "Smart"?

I've already confessed that my family is addicted to trashy television.  I am unfortunately the worst offender in our house, and adore watching shows like 'Teen Mom' and 'Real World' after Hubs has gone to bed.

The last couple of episodes of 'Teen Mom' have shown one of the moms, Kailyn, struggling with the decision to marry her boyfriend and possibly move out of state if he is relocated for the Air Force.  Right now (in reality TV world, which is months behind real-time) Kailyn's son spends about 30% of his time with his dad Jo and Jo's family.  If (and she eventually does) Kailyn gets married, it could really cut down on Jo's time with his kid.  Which totally sucks for Jo, yeah, I see that.  But what is making me all twitchy about the whole situation are the bloggers and recap sites whining that Kailyn is being "so selfish" for thinking of remarrying and leaving the state.  And there are plenty of these articles out there.  One of my favorite negative comments is that if you have a kid with someone you need to be prepared to stay near them forever - no matter what happens.  Really?  I can only imagine that comment comes from someone who has never experienced the difficulties of co-parenting through a divorce or break-up.

After three years of raising her son in a town where she has no family or support system besides Jo's family, Kailyn is leaving to marry a man who has promised to take care of her emotionally and financially.  She will finally be getting health insurance.  She will not have to worry about where the money for next month's rent will come from.  She will have that security for the first time since her son was born and Jo kicked her out of the house after their breakup.  How is that just a "selfish" decision? To me, this seems like the answer to prayer.  It seems like the best possible decision she could make for herself, and thereby her child.

I think her story just resonates with me so much because it's like watching my own life if it were scripted and dramatized.  When Ex and I split up, I ended up moving to a town 30 minutes north of where he'd eventually settle.  He was able to co-parent with me easily, we'd alternate pickups and drop offs and he even had a key to my place.  When I worked late nights he'd come over and put Little Man to bed, and wait til I got home to leave for his place again.  It was a nice arrangement, if you don't mind absolutely no privacy and the fact that the person that drives you completely bonkers is still spending 30-40% of your week driving you bonkers.

But up in this suburb of Baltimore, I had no family, no support system, and my job was relocated 45 minutes away.  I basically lived at the mercy of Ex and his mom (neither were working at the time) and put thousands of miles on my old car driving to them or sitters and an expensive daycare that sapped any extra funds I could scrounge up.  I didn't get to enjoy being a mom because I was so busy trying to make sure we survived month-to-month and that all our bills were paid.  In short, my life was a lot like Kailyn's, except I was a few years older and not famous.

When I met Hubs and he later asked me to move in with him, I knew it would change the relationship between Ex and Little Man.  Instead of seeing him 3 days a week, he'd see him every other weekend.  It was something I felt bad about, and that Ex initially resented.  But I couldn't deny the benefits it would bring for both Little Man and myself.  I got to take him out of daycare and start up home therapies with Infant and Toddlers.  I was able to take him to countless specialists and get the ball rolling on new ideas for his care.  I was finally able to discover that he was probably having a shunt malfunction for a very long time without us knowing.  I was able to stay home with him and work through the horrible stranger anxiety he had developed.  I was able to breathe and talk about my problems with someone who loved and supported me, and eventually get married, get health insurance, and start a family again.  I was able to get out of the constant negative cycle that single mother-hood had thrust me into, and I was finally able to be happy.  Best of all, I was finally able to be the mother I'd always wanted Little Man to have.

Is that selfish?  I can't imagine a single person calling it that, but maybe it's because I'm not a teen mom.  To me it seems like I got the lucky break that very few struggling single parents get - that opportunity for a second chance.  While in a perfect world of divorce, Ex and I would have been able to parent on a 50-50 schedule - it just didn't work out that way.  But if you asked him, I bet that "selfish" would be the the last thing he would call my choice.  Even though he was disappointed to lose time with Little Man, he knew that what I was doing would make both of our lives better.  And you know what?  When the time came that Ex wasn't able to pull his weight and help out with Little Man the way he had been before - I sure as hell knew that making the hard decision to change the way we parented back then had been the best option.  Instead of being completely screwed because of Ex's choices, the choices I had made for myself allowed Little Man and I to continue being healthy and happy.

Although I don't know Jo or his circumstances, one day he will also decide to move forward and make huge decisions in his life, after all he is barely 20 years old.  Those decisions will change his co-parenting needs, and Kailyn should not be forced to wait around to see what his choices are before she can make any of her own.  Someone had to take that first step to move forward and better themselves, and I respect that she saw a way to make a better life for her young family and took it.  So you can call her selfish if you want, but all I can call her is smart.  Because I see myself when I look at Kailyn, and all I can imagine is that sigh of relief she breathes every night knowing that she and her child are finally secure, settled, and best of all - happy.

Money or World Peace?

Here's a great head-scratcher for ya:  What is more important to you?  Money, or world peace?

I think the answer was made clear for us in that great American classic "Miss Congeniality".
[Spoiler alert - It's world peace.]

I know that seems random, but let me get back to that thought...

Lately my Ex has been driving me insane, and I have been biting my tongue to hold back all the anger I want to lash out at him.  It makes me crazy that he does not care about day-to-day decisions in Little Man's life.  He has no concept of his daily routines, therapies, if/when school will be starting for him... he never asks for information until standing in our door at pickup.  Then he wants a quick rundown of the last however-long it has been, as if I can sum up 2+ weeks in a few moments before he walks out the door.  That is, if he even manages to get down here to pick Little Man up at all.  He tends to text us on Thursday night or Friday morning letting us know that he had some sort of emergency which will prevent him from picking up Little Man.

Hubs and I made the decision after the wedding that we were no longer going to enable Ex's behavior, and we've been firm at sticking to that plan even though it usually makes things more difficult for us than for Ex.  We used to do the 3.5 hour round trip for drop offs AND pick ups because Ex didn't have a working car for awhile.  But even though we'd make the all the drop offs, Ex wouldn't be able to pay child support because he was "saving for a better car" or "not working" or "paying off bills."  So now, when Ex texts at 3:30 pm on his scheduled Friday with Little Man saying that his car suddenly broke down again, we say nothing.  We ask him what his plan will be and sit back and wait for him to wiggle out of another visitation/payment.  Then we rearrange our schedule and any plans we made for the weekend and wait til Ex contacts us again, which is usually two weeks later for his next visit.

But here is where I get back to my original thought:  What is more important?  Money or world peace?

Ex is perfectly content to continue living the way he is living.  He is fine being a dad a couple days a month, and I never doubt that he does love Little Man in his teenage way.  But he is also fine not seeing Little Man for weeks at at a time.  He is fine letting us be the full-time parents and he's the "fun guy".

I could press him harder to man up, to spend time with his son.  I could take him to court and demand back child support.  But is it worth it?  Is it worth disrupting what is a very easy and (mostly) painless process for Hubs and I every two weeks?  Ex has nothing but respect for Hubs and I, he has told us so on multiple occasions.  Drop offs, although full of strained and awkward small talk, are polite and everyone tries their best to co-parent in 15 minutes or less.  We were clear with Ex back in January that our patience had run out on driving to him and then not getting (what is a very very small) support that month on top of it all.  So he actually did end up doing a couple drop off/pick ups on his own, until this latest "I don't have a car again" month.

I guess what Hubs and I always tell ourselves is "Why rock the boat?  It could be so much worse."  Without the court's involvement we have been able to be very flexible with visitation, switching weekends around here and there and picking up Little Man very early or very late.  The few times we "needed" to drop off Little Man because we had plans we couldn't break, Ex has been fairly accommodating.   No, we can't rely on Ex for any help with child support.  But is that money worth making everything tense between us?  Would going to court even accomplish anything since technically he is unemployed and working odd jobs?

So I hold in this rage that I am feeling today, as Ex pulls out another one of his classic lines to avoid a pickup.  I try not to let it make me furious that I feel like I care so much and he cares so little.  I know my screaming or my passive aggression isn't going to change the core of who Ex is, a little boy trapped in a man body.  And I opt for world peace.

The One With A Memory

September 27th, 2009.

Little Man was a couple months past his first birthday, and we were an emotional wreck.  His daily therapy sessions with Infants and Toddlers were torture, he'd scream the entire 45 minutes until they left without being able to accomplish anything.  We couldn't go out in public, because his fear of strangers was so overwhelming that if someone looked directly at him he would cry until we had to leave.  No one could tell us much about his future except to tell us to wait and see what happened next.  In addition to all the social anxiety, he wasn't able to walk or even pull himself to standing.  His right leg and arm had so much tone that it was like trying to pull teeth to get him to stretch out either one.

That night my Ex and I were driving the two hours from my mother's house to our little apartment.  It had been a particularly rough day, even Grandma wasn't immune to Little Man's stranger phobia.  I don't remember what we did or what we were listening to on the radio... or if Ex and I were even talking to each other.  We were both burnt out and overwhelmed.

And I looked back into the car, and saw Little Man staring out the window... and I just sobbed.  It was just an intense sense of grief for what I felt I had lost.  I just wanted Little Man to be able to be anything he wanted to be.  I wanted everything for him.  I wanted the baby I'd dreamed about for nine months, and this baby was so different than everything I imagined.

I looked over at Ex and just begged him to tell me if he was thinking this too.  Did he worry every waking moment the way I did?  Did he get discouraged and sad all the time?  What if Little Man never walked or talked, what if he was going to stay just like this for the rest of his life?  Was it always going to be this hard for him, this hard for us?  Why couldn't anyone tell us what was going to happen next?

I don't remember what the Ex said.  Maybe he agreed, maybe he didn't.  In the end, I only remember that I walked in the door to our apartment with a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and put the Little Man in his crib while we ran him a bath.

I walked into the nursery to grab him for the bath, and there he was - standing up in his crib.  He was holding on to the side of that rickety old crib for dear life, and was more leaning than standing - but there he was.

I shrieked for Ex to grab the camera, and he ran into the room and snapped a shot of Little Man's first standing moments.  I was squealing and clapping like a fool, and Little Man was so startled by all the attention that he fell back onto his little butt.   He must have only been standing a second or two and so I figured it might be awhile before we saw it again.  Instead, all that clapping seemed to energize him, and he pulled himself right back up in front of my eyes.

For the second time that night I started sobbing.  And also clapping and smiling simultaneously, which must have been fun to watch. 

This is the smile of someone who knows he has just made his Momma proud.

That moment is still one of the most vivid and amazing memories of my life.  That was the moment I realized that Little Man was going to be okay.  It was the moment I realized I was going to be okay, and that we could do this.

Lately I've been so discouraged with how slow progress has been for Little Man.  He's four now and still not talking.  He doesn't play with toys appropriately or enjoy long cuddles with me while reading stories.  But then I go back to this memory, and I know just like I did then that we will be okay.  Less than three years ago I was worried that he'd never be able to stand, and now he can run.  I know life with Little Man will never be normal, he'll never "catch up" to other kids and he'll always need us in his life in some capacity.  But I can't predict what will happen next, and I need to stop trying.  Enjoy the journey and love all the memories we're making along the way, which are all the more special because I'm not expecting them.

The One With Deadlines, and a Recipe!

I have a lot of posts swirling around my head.  If you could see my page of drafts, you'd see a lot of half-assed  half-written ideas swirling around that I haven't finished.  It's just been an insanely busy week.  One of my best friends is getting married this weekend, and I'm in her wedding.  She has not asked us to do a single thing other than enjoy the day (thanks gorgeous!), and yet somehow I'm still running around like a crazy person trying to cram five days worth of To-Dos into four.

So tomorrow afternoon Hubs and I head out of here bright and early so I can get my mani pedi for the big day, and then we're staying in the city all weekend.  Little Man gets to go to his dad's for possibly the last time til our wedding in November, because I am at the end of my rope with the Ex. 

Hubs and I have been driving Little Man to the Ex every other weekend, which is a three to four hour round trip for us.  We've been trying to find excuses to make the trip worthwhile, like going to the mall or hanging out with my mother who lives halfway between the two points.  And we've been able to schedule a lot of fun adult activities to keep us needing and wanting him to spend time with the Ex.  But we're tapped out.  Ex has indicated that for various excuses reasons he will not be able to make the trip to us in the foreseeable future, so that's that.  I never want to keep Little Man from spending time with Ex, because he adores him and vice versa... but at some point I need this to be an equal partnership.  Gah.  Frustration. 

Anyways, since this week has been so busy most of our meals have been tossed together in a rush.  On Tuesday I went to Marshalls and found an amazing selection of kitchen spices and sea salts, so when I came home I threw together this spaghetti dish that is one of our standard "Hurry Up I'm Hungry" meals.  Hubs raved, I gave it four out of five stars.  I'm not sure it is as good as Honey Boo Boo child's mom's spaghetti (oh god, look it up, its so gross) but it's a start:

Please note, I'm writing it how I cook it, so don't be alarmed.  Your fridge may look different than mine, in which case feel free to substitute your own wilty veggies.

Spaghetti-ish 
-1 onion, diced
-1 smushed from the crisper drawer red pepper, diced
-1 orange pepper, diced
-1/2 slightly shriveled and dry container of white button mushrooms, chopped
-1 can of tomato sauce
-1 can of diced tomatoes
-Olive oil
-Everything left in the bottom of the chopped garlic container, maybe 3 tsp or so
-1/4 cup of Cabernet, from the box in the fridge
-Italian seasoning
-Sugar
-Black lava sea salt from Marshalls that you absolutely are dying to use
-Black pepper
-1 pkg of homemade basil pasta, also from Marshalls

• Have your Hubs chop and dice all the veggies while you are out shopping for shoes for the wedding.  Realize you want to spend hours at the store stocking up on spices you don't need and will never use, but sound delicious and amazing.  Then when you get home, your mise en place is done and waiting in the fridge.  BOOM take that Ann Burrell.
• Hubs has decided not to chop up the mushrooms because they look funny.  Decide that mushrooms are a fungus so they probably can't get worse.  Chop 'em up.
• Add olive oil and all the veggies to a big pan.  Let them get soft while you show Hubs how much you spent on shoes and spices.  Appease him by showing him the pair of pants you got him.  Stir veggies, change into pajamas at 5:45 PM.
• Pour a glass of wine for yourself.  Splash some into the pan first because cooks always use wine, right?  Add the cans of diced tomatoes and sauce.  Stir.
• Realize you need to boil water for the pasta.  Get on it.
• Add a couple shakes of Italian seasoning to the sauce on the stove.  Use the precise measurement of "til it looks like there is seasoning all over the top of the sauce."  Stir it in.  Add a lot of pepper, and then your black lava sea salt (yay a reason to use it!).  Taste and add more of whatever it is missing, plus a tsp of sugar.
• Add the noodles to the boiling water.  Cook til they are al dente.  Hubs is confused as to why you want to eat noodles with no sauce, he's more of a "It said 6 minutes on the box so that is when they are done" type guy.  PS: The box said 2-3 minutes but it took 8 to make them not crunchy, so I won that battle.
• Stir the pasta sauce til the noodles are done.  Have Hubs drain the noodles and then add them to the sauce pan.  He thinks this is a bad idea, but you convince him it is brilliant and saves a bowl to wash.
• Serve to all adults and eat.  Nuke 4 nuggets for the child.  If he's anything like mine, he'll be much happier that way.

I will completely understand if you try and recreate this recipe and it falls short.  It is clearly a complicated and difficult dish to master. I'd have taken a picture, but I was stuffing my face instead. 

Bon' Appetit!

The One Where I Mention My Ex

 I decided to send Little Man up north to his dad's house to spend the week, since I have a temp job where I have to be at work at 7:30 and am not home til 4:45.  I feel fine letting him stay with his dad, but its really a pain to set up anything long term with him.  His dad hasn't really gotten his life together since our divorce, still has no job and now has no car... he lives in his mother's basement and I'm honestly not sure how he pays the bills.  We have no formal child support or visitation arrangement through our courts since our divorce was pretty simple and uncontested.  I got full custody.  Child support is iffy with his lack of work, but we keep visitation to every other weekend when we can. 

While it is always hard to be away from my little guy, and I often get frustrated with his father's lack of responsibility in arranging support or visits, I think I'm one of the lucky ones.  I consider myself very fortunate to have an ex who really does adore his son, and tries very hard to be a good dad when he does spend time with him.  His positive attitude towards me and our son have enabled drop offs and pick ups to be a relatively smooth process and he has no problems interacting with Hubs or feeling like he has to prove himself as the 'real dad'.  He just goes with the flow and does not try to disrupt any of the parenting or therapies that Hubs and I work very hard on.  Of course I'm not perfect and neither is he, so occasionally he annoys the hell out of me and I'm sure I do the same to him.  But I try to remind myself that without him in our lives Hubs and I would have to pay a sitter or ask for much more help from our parents to do so many of the weekend activities we plan on our "days off". 

So this week Hubs and I going to bed early (before my Daily Show and Colbert are even on, which is awful!) and waking up even earlier.  While its nice to have a rest from the bed war, I don't think I'll be taking any more day jobs for awhile.  We get the Little Man back on Sunday after a long weekend of helping my little sister change apartments and visiting family, and things will go back to the status quo.  I'm kind of hoping that the Little Man has forgotten how to climb out of his crib when he gets home... but that might be a long shot.