Mommy's Role

I always figured the way I would raise my kids would be some kind of a cross between Kevin's mom from 'The Wonder Years' and Lucy Ricardo. Some sweet snuggles, home cooked meals, wise and loving lessons, and then a few ridiculous bursts of chaos and temper. Also I'd probably leave my kids with the neighbors a few times a week to chase my dreams of singing in a nightclub.

And I'd say with my little kids I'm pretty spot on. I can sit Vegas in time out with one hand and make pot roast with the other, expertly kiss a boo-boo and decide if it needs a band-aid or a silly song, and read Pete the Cat so many times it makes my eyes cross and my ears bleed. And yes, I definitely enjoy hanging out at my local community theater or with friends away from my kids for reasonable amounts of time.

But it's harder with Little Man. I don't always feel like I'm able to just mother him. I feel like I do a mediocre job of being his Mommy because I'm busy also being Doctor, or Therapist, or Advocate. I think I miss some of the sweet easy moments of his childhood because I'm too busy scheduling his next appointment or researching private schools and therapy. I feel disconnected from mothering as I grasp his chin in my hands and study his gaze while I administer a syringe of medication. Instead of assuming my kid wants to snuggle with me after school, I worry that he's coming over to me to bite or tantrum and hit. Basically it's more common for me to be worrying about what can and does go wrong than to be content and present with what is happening right now.

Just typing that makes me cry angry, guilty tears. I hear the admonishments in my head to "cherish the moments", but how can I when I'm thinking twenty steps ahead every day? Little Man's needs are becoming so overwhelming lately. His tantrums are bigger and angrier, his medical needs more urgent, and the gap between him and any kid his age is more pronounced than ever. I feel like Mommy has taken a backseat to all the other roles he needs from me recently. My love for him never changes, but the way I mother him... I just feel inadequate. I hold on to the hope that my actions and decisions are what is best for him. That he understands somehow that I'm still Mommy under the stress and worry and fear and other roles I take on for him. Definitely not the Mommy I thought I'd be for him, but hopefully the Mommy he needs.

Little Man and Mommy

Please Remain Calm

The hardest part of parenting for me, is being the least emotional person in chaos all the time. Some days I just want to yell "KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF!" instead of calmly looking my toddler in the eye and reminding him that his baby brother is not a stuffed animal and he can't be thrown or wrestled. Then another kid melts down into a puddle of emotions that really doesn't seem too far off of what I want to do after telling him for the fourth time that the glass window he keeps slamming blocks into is not made of concrete.

My kids are all pretty adorable little monsters. I don't have a problem loving them, laughing with them, snuggling them after they tumble... that warm fuzzy part of parenting is easy. But some days I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle to keep my less pleasant emotions in check.

Because as much as I love them - these kids can make me want to pull my hair out. Like when I am making breakfast and suddenly a full blown tantrum with tears erupts because I didn't let Vegas push the button on the coffee maker. Or when Little Man destroys a new toy by ripping it with his teeth because I left the room to pee. I hate that sinking feeling in my stomach when I hear the baby wake up 30 minutes into a nap that should have lasted two more hours... knowing now that I'm going to have to hold him for the rest of day or he'll lose his ever-loving mind. Which means that the other kids sense my helplessness and go crazy with their freedom from my watchful eyes. I can literally feel my jaw tightening up and my teeth clenching while I try to remind myself of all the wonderful and amazing things about having children. I really do try not to yell... but that is usually my go-to method. I'm definitely a "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!?" kind of Mom. And it definitely makes me feel like shit, knowing that the answer is usually "Because we are children and figuring our life out. Can you chill?" It's one of the things I am constantly working on as a parent - just taking that second to breathe and not lose it from exhaustion and exasperation and the loneliness of being the only person around that isn't insane.

This is the face of someone who wants to be held all damn day

I know I'm not alone in feeling frustration with kids, but I know how hard it is to be vocal about it. So here I am, being vocal. Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is all wonderful amazing moments that you can't get enough of. And sometimes it's like having 100 Mondays back to back, Groundhog Day style. 

If you'll excuse me, I have to dump out my cold coffee before I rebuild a fallen train track that is making Vegas sob hysterically. Lets hope this is the only Monday I have this week.  Deep breaths.

Back To Work

The title is slightly misleading I suppose. I'm not back to work in the traditional sense, but I am back to my workout routine!

If you have run into me recently, you probably have heard about how Hubs and I are in the early stages of planning for Baby #3. As early as July we had discussed when would be the ideal time to try again, and I'd pretty much put the lid on it until I could decide how I felt about things. When the topic came up again (and honestly, I bring it up much more than he does), I decided to set a goal and stick to it. I needed to lose the rest of my "baby weight" and feel like I was happy with my body again before we started trying.

Exercising does not come easy for me. I absolutely hate every minute of it. Some people love the endorphins or whatever, I can't stand being achy, sweaty, and straight up bored. The only way I've ever stuck with an exercise program is if it is something that doesn't feel like exercise, or if I have a clear and defined goal in mind. Case in point - I lost all my baby weight from Little Man in the months leading up to my wedding. I'd lost five or six pounds doing Wii Fit for awhile, and not working at a restaurant had helped. But nothing jump started me faster than realizing I was about to be front and center in a white dress with a corset that I bought a size too small.

So I am back again after lots of starting and stopping, and I'm working out harder than I have in a very long time. I'm taking just a half hour every day during Vegas' nap to kick some ass on the treadclimber. And the benefits of working out have started to pay off... not only have I lost seven pounds, I have gotten my energy levels back up during the day! I hadn't been getting as much done around the house, and suddenly my closets are cleaner, my kitchen sparkling (okay the floors are still kind of sticky but somehow they won't magically repel kid food!), and I'm preparing healthier and better meals.

I'm no fool. It is going to be a struggle to keep wanting to exercise daily as the weather gets colder and and I run out of decent stations on Pandora. But our anniversary is in a month, and that is when I will weigh in on my weigh-ins (hahahahahah I'm so punny). I want to love my body again, and be as healthy as I can be before I start the next chapter in our story.

Someone Said The Magic Words!

Parenthood 102: A Lesson In Humility. When things are going smoothly, you can count on disaster striking quickly to put you in your place. It doesn't have to be an epic disaster, or even anything you can't bounce back from in a couple hours or days - but it always arrives right after that secret little thought you have. You know the one.  "Everything is going so well right now..."  Even if you're smart enough to not say the words out loud, just thinking them is a challenge to the powers that be, and they don't take kindly to challenges...

It started slow. I thought the words and then suddenly Vegas was waking up more during the night. Nothing we couldn't handle, and his wake ups are normally of the put-the-binky-back-in-and-lay-him-back-down variety.  But then the wakeups segued into harder-to-put-to-sleeps, nap-skipping, and a couple wake-up-screaming-until-you-rock-or-feed-me-back-to-sleeps.  We've attributed it to teething, since the poor kid is drooling worse than a St. Bernard right now, and four teeth seem to be poking through on top. Again, nothing major, but a little more exhausting than normal.  I thought the words again.

Then yesterday the little patches of eczema on Vegas' feet started morphing into little red blisters. We had a follow-up appointment to measure his head circumference again that morning (he still has a large head), and while he was cleared for that particular issue (whew!), the blisters had his ped worried. He wanted us to see a dermatologist "sooner rather than later", and so we squeezed in a time slot the next morning.  That of course meant that we had to split up, with Hubs taking Little Man to his therapy up north two hours away, and I would take Vegas to the dermatologist. Stressful, again, but we've got this.  Right?  I thought the words again, albeit a little less confidently.

I noticed as I was driving home from the checkup that my ear was starting to ache. The closer I got to home the more it felt like a giant needle stabbing me.  I got Vegas inside and waited for Hubs and Little Man to get home from camp and downed a glass of water and one of the giant ibuprofen left over from pregnancy recovery.  The pain seemed to dull a little so we decided to go ahead with our dinner plans and popped over to our friend's house for the night.  

As one of our friends put it - "Hanging out with friends changes so much as we get older." There was the usual wine and pizza we've loved for the last ten years, but really the evening was filled with relaxing and playing with all the kids.  Little Man was in rare form and managed to spill applesauce and red wine on two separate friends, and steal an unattended slice of pizza from a third - all while in complete control of the television. No one seemed too mad, but it was one of those parenting moments where I just wanted to face-palm and hide. Luckily Vegas was his usual serious but cuddly self, and so I used him as a distraction.  My ear started to hurt again though so I popped a few extra strength aspirin and drank half a bottle of wine. Self-medicating works, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I dimly thought the words for the last time as I dozed a little on the way home, with my kids sleeping peacefully in the back of my newish van.  

We got home around 11 and tossed the kids in bed before passing out.  At 3:30 AM, my ear pain woke me up from a deep sleep. After tossing back another ibuprofen, I realized quickly that this ear pain was going from bad to absolutely intolerable, and we called my mother-in-law over to watch the kids so I could go to the ER.  Yep, it was that kind of bad.

Got checked in and out in a flash, they couldn't see anything wrong with my ear but I got an antibiotic and a prescription for (surprise!) ibuprofen. Also an appointment to see an ENT on Monday, enjoy the weekend! Before I left they offered me a stronger painkiller for the road, so Hubs decided to cancel the Little Man's appointment so I could take that and pass out for the day while he took care of Vegas' derm appointment. Can I get an amen for an amazing husband?

Vegas' appointment, as relayed from the Hubs, wasn't too scary.  They took a culture of his ankle rash and threw around a couple ideas for what it could be - but no diagnosis yet.  He has to take bleach baths once a day and has a prescription lotion for now, and a followup appointment in a week.  She did mention that he will probably have a chronic skin condition with flareups for the foreseeable future, since he's had the eczema for so long.  Sigh.  Keep us in your prayers that the culture comes back boring and quickly curable!

And to round it all out, Little Man has had an upset stomach all day, my ear still hurts despite the medicine (although not ER worthy pain) and now there is some neck and shoulder pain involved, and next week Hubs is out of town again while all the followups and appointments and summer camp are still happening!

Repeat after me: I will never even think the phrase "Everything is going so well right now", ever again.

Next class?
Parenting 103: Why Do My Children Sleep Best In A Carseat As We Pull Into The Driveway?