Back To Work

The title is slightly misleading I suppose. I'm not back to work in the traditional sense, but I am back to my workout routine!

If you have run into me recently, you probably have heard about how Hubs and I are in the early stages of planning for Baby #3. As early as July we had discussed when would be the ideal time to try again, and I'd pretty much put the lid on it until I could decide how I felt about things. When the topic came up again (and honestly, I bring it up much more than he does), I decided to set a goal and stick to it. I needed to lose the rest of my "baby weight" and feel like I was happy with my body again before we started trying.

Exercising does not come easy for me. I absolutely hate every minute of it. Some people love the endorphins or whatever, I can't stand being achy, sweaty, and straight up bored. The only way I've ever stuck with an exercise program is if it is something that doesn't feel like exercise, or if I have a clear and defined goal in mind. Case in point - I lost all my baby weight from Little Man in the months leading up to my wedding. I'd lost five or six pounds doing Wii Fit for awhile, and not working at a restaurant had helped. But nothing jump started me faster than realizing I was about to be front and center in a white dress with a corset that I bought a size too small.

So I am back again after lots of starting and stopping, and I'm working out harder than I have in a very long time. I'm taking just a half hour every day during Vegas' nap to kick some ass on the treadclimber. And the benefits of working out have started to pay off... not only have I lost seven pounds, I have gotten my energy levels back up during the day! I hadn't been getting as much done around the house, and suddenly my closets are cleaner, my kitchen sparkling (okay the floors are still kind of sticky but somehow they won't magically repel kid food!), and I'm preparing healthier and better meals.

I'm no fool. It is going to be a struggle to keep wanting to exercise daily as the weather gets colder and and I run out of decent stations on Pandora. But our anniversary is in a month, and that is when I will weigh in on my weigh-ins (hahahahahah I'm so punny). I want to love my body again, and be as healthy as I can be before I start the next chapter in our story.

Ch-ch-ch-change...

Today marks a full month that I have been working out every day after sending Little Man off to school and while Vegas takes his morning nap.  At first I ran a mile a day, and now I'm up to a respectable 3 miles. We have a little home gym in the basement with a treadclimber that I like using, and I blast my 80's Pandora station and try to stave off the inevitable boredom I feel after Mile 1. I think at some point I'd like a little TV down there, but for now the music keeps me moving. Between the working out and making better food choices, you'd think I'd have lost a bit of weight by now - but I'm only down maybe 3 or 4 pounds. So this month I've decided to take a break from any form of booze to help jumpstart my weight loss.  Yep.  This is after a 10 month dry spell so you know I'm pretty serious about losing some weight.

The other plan for the month of March is to treat myself better emotionally. One of my bad habits is when I'm talking to a friend and I start being negative about myself. I'll put down my body image, my personality, or my talent because I feel self-conscious and less-than.  I don't like hearing other people say those things about themselves, so why do I want to perpetuate that behavior in myself?  I don't.  So my promise to myself has been that I will do my best to say more positive things about myself, and if I don't have anything nice to say - stuff it. I've had this goal before, but I'm hoping that pairing the goal with Lent where everyone else is trying hard to give up things will be a good reminder of what I'm doing (although I'm not religious myself).

Along that line, I am also planning on cutting a few negative people out of my life. This will be a really challenging thing for me, even though it sounds like such a simple goal.  Part of my personality is that I constantly strive to be accepted and liked at the risk of my own feelings and opinions. My insecurity in some of my friendships means I put up with a lot of negativity that I know isn't healthy. Last night something finally just snapped into place for me. I need friends who boost me up, because I tear myself down enough as it is! Dwelling on the negative feedback I always get from certain people just keeps me in that vicious cycle of being down on myself, which then just allows them to think it is okay to say hurtful or negative things.

I've been so overwhelmed the last month or so with negative thoughts and I'm not going to be okay with that anymore. This next month is going to be getting in shape physically and emotionally, and I am so ready for it!

So much for posting every day

Today is the 50th day of school in our county, so Little Man's class is celebrating with a 50's dance complete with root beer floats and hot dogs.  It should be fairly hilarious because A) a kindergarten dance?  And B) Little Man hates ice cream and carbonated beverages.  But I dutifully dressed him in his greaser costume and tried to slick back his mop of hair before school... it turned out more flock of seagulls than greaser, but I think I got an A for effort.

To add to my morning craziness, every day for the next two weeks he is supposed to be in a different color outfit for their color unit. This is after I spent all last week dressing him in outfits for "Spirit Week".  Considering he could care less what he wears, it's really a pain in the ass.  But I feel like if I don't do it, then the other moms and teachers will judge me for not caring about this super fun Color Unit.  *Sigh*  So I am organizing a bunch of special outfits for this week and he will be the cutest and most involved kid in his class.  

We all had a great extended Halloween weekend!  Saturday was lunch with my grandmother-in-law and a costume party with some of my favorites. Then yesterday we invited some more friends over to watch scary movies and eat our leftover candy.  Hubs laughed with me later that I never really held Baby Vegas for more than a minute or so all night - he was everyone's favorite party guest.

Last but certainly not least - I finally started my exercise program again!  I am hoping I can keep up with it, and I know that I can as long as I put my mind to it.  I love how great I feel when I'm keeping up with my workouts and eating well, and it is always a nice bonus to see the pounds drop off.  My goal is to lose 15 pounds by January.  All about willpower.

The One With A Musical!

The children's theatre production I am in opened this morning to a great crowd of preschoolers!   I had so much fun being onstage again after taking a year off... It re energizes me and keeps me feeling sane.

This will be my last production for awhile, which bums me out.  It is one thing to choose to take time off, or even to not get any parts for awhile - but knowing I will physically be out of commission til almost winter?  That bites.  It means I have to miss a bunch of productions I'd really enjoy being a part of, that I know will involve lots of my good friends I've made down here through theatre.  And as a homemaker I am fairly isolated during the day and the theatre is my adult-only outlet.  Of course I will go see the shows and support them, but it just isn't the same as being onstage and rehearsing with friends.  I mean, I get a really great baby after all is said and done, so I can't complain too much.  But sometimes I wish I could pawn the cooking of said baby off onto my dear Hubs.

One of my big goals after Baby Vegas comes is to make sure I get my mind and body in shape to be back up and auditioning ASAP.  It took me almost a year to get my body back in fighting shape (3.5 years after my son was born, hah), but I want to try and lose ALL of my baby weight this go-round in a slightly more timely fashion.  Not working in a restaurant and the crazy hours I had to have will certainly help, as will the fact that I have been living a much healthier lifestyle than I was at 22... but it will still be something I have to work towards.  I also hope that since this birth and baby will be much more "normal", that I will feel mentally able to accomplish a lot more than I could after Little Man was born and I was a huge train wreck.

Now granted I won't know how I will feel once Baby Vegas makes an appearance on the scene.  I may find that I am ridiculously overwhelmed having the two little ones at home, and don't even want to do theatre for awhile.  I may find that if I don't get out of the house a few nights a week, my brain will explode and episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine will come tumbling out.  But the goal of becoming mentally and physically healthy as soon I can after this birth is one that I really don't want to overlook.  My health is just as important as my kid's health, and I need that reminder sometimes.

The One with the Tiny Dress

One week til the wedding of the year!  If the year we are counting from started from September 23rd, because there was a pretty epic wedding the day before I really can't compete with (nor do I want to, it was awesome)...

It has been a busy couple days, with the elections wrapping up and finding out on Monday night that my wedding dress needed alterations.  YIKES!

When I bought the dress several months ago I got an amazing deal.  There was only one problem... that day when I tried it on, the bridal store employee stood behind me fussing with the zipper/corset combo swearing that it was "only a little too small" and if I lost maybe 5 pounds it would EASILY zip.  So I took the plunge and bought the dress of my dreams at the price of my dreams, and kept on chugging at my weight loss goal.  I ended up surprising myself with my dedication to weight loss, and was relieved to realize I had lost 15 lbs since the day I purchased the dress.  I went to try it on on Monday night and was actually worried it might be a little loose!!  But as my mom tried zipping the dress we realized that it was not going to fit unless I removed a rib.  

Normally if I heard a story about a girl buying a dress too small and then being offended that come wedding time it didn't fit, I'd probably laugh. I think it is ridiculous that some women place so much stock in what size their dress is instead of worrying if it fits them properly and makes their body type look great.  But I didn't buy my dress because I was positive that one day I'd be small enough to fit into it.  I bought it because it was ridiculously cheaper to buy the dress off the rack in the sample size (8) than it would have been to buy it in the size the store said I would need (the next size up, 10).  Like over half price cheaper.  I was between sizes then as well and they said it probably wasn't worth it to get the ten if I was going to keep working out and losing weight.  Oh - and I am all about a good deal.  So when the bridal shop also told me that if I lost five pounds it would probably not even need alterations, I was totally sold.  Besides, five pounds is a bad stomach flu.  I had 5 months to lose weight.   Easy as pie, no problem, fork over that dress please thanks.

Anyways, long story short, dress didn't fit even with all the weight loss.  Shame on me for waiting that long to try it on and being so sure it would fit.  But with the help of my besties (they are amazing) I calmed the eff down, emailed a couple seamstresses, and found one that would rush the job and get alterations done by tomorrow night.  For sixty bucks.  Total, including the rush fee.  Today, I feel like a champ.  Monday, not so much. I drank a lot of wine.

And when I look at the pictures of myself from the first time I tried on the dress at the shop versus trying it on for the seamstress/mom this week... I am reminded that just because my dress didn't fit does not mean that losing the fifteen pounds doesn't make a difference.  I felt great about my body this week and am so pumped about showing it off a bit in Vegas!

This week coming up should be insanity... I have orchestra rehearsals several days, driving up north to pick up my dress Friday, finishing up the shopping and packing for the trip, all in addition to the usual household stuff I take care of during the week.  But I've gotten a sudden burst of energy and excitement and I am so ready for this wedding!!!   I can't wait!

The One With Panic!

Today is a great day generally.  It's my mother's birthday.  It is also my grandpa's birthday.  Best birthday gift to a dad ever, so I hear.

Today is also a really effing stressful day.  It is exactly one month til my wedding.  Goodbye nonchalant attitude!  Goodbye "Oh yeah I'm not really thinking much about it."  Goodbye "we have time til the wedding, I'm not worried."

I'm starting to panic.  I went from completely fine and calm to OMGTHEWEDDINGISCOMING.  I'm having nightmares that everyone hates being in Vegas together and they all regret coming.  Or that I served fondue at my wedding and the pots wouldn't turn on so all I had was cheese lumps.  Or that I can't find a dress or a veil or anything...

I have a To-Do list, which basically says "Get Everything Done".  Every time I look at it I freak out.  Every time Hubs asks me to do something wedding related I snap at him like he's just asked me to solve the problem of world piece in twenty minutes or less.  Last night I freaked out at him because at 11:30 PM he casually brought up that it might be nice to settle on a cake design by the next morning.  No really, the "fight" ended with him going "I just don't understand what happened, I wanted to look at cakes and now you hate me?"

[Sidenote: I don't hate him, and I am baking him gingersnaps today because I was acting a fool.  Yes I bribe him into forgetting I'm crazy, isn't that what everyone does in relationships?]

I am also 4 pounds away from my wedding goal weight, which is going to be hard to get to because I'm eating my feelings. 

Why don't I feel better??

 



 



So while I want today to be a positive day, and deep down I swear it is... please don't be surprised if you see me FREAKING OUT.  Or eating a bag of popcorn covered in butter.  Both of these things are interchangeable.

The One With The Scale

Confession:  I have body image issues.

I am one of those people who constantly complains about their body.  It is annoying, its melodramatic, I can't stand it about myself.   It is involuntary.  I catch myself telling yet another friend how unhappy I am and I cringe internally.  I never liked hearing that sort of negativity in college (when I was fine with my weight), and now I am that person I couldn't stand.

And its not like I need to lose massive amounts of weight.  As of March, I needed to lose 20 lbs to be back at my goal weight (post college-pre baby weight gain).  But every morning when I got up, I hated what I saw in the mirror.  I hated seeing the stacks of cute clothes I couldn't wear any more.  I hated feeling dumpy and lumpy and "mom-esque".  I missed feeling cute and fun when I dressed up.  All I could see when I looked in the mirror was blerghhhhh. 

So back in March, I made a pledge to myself that this year I would start actively making changes.  I would try to stop complaining as much.  I  would actually do something to lose the weight I was bitching about instead of just staying miserable and chubby.

So I bought a scale.  I started exercising during Little Man's naps, and took a couple classes at a local gym.  While the gym part didn't stick, the home exercising did, and I lost 5 lbs eventually.  Then I got stuck for awhile, and had been waffling back and forth around the same 2-3 lbs.

I was bummed.   I had been exercising, but I hated that I had so little to show for it.  My friends convinced me I was building muscle or something (they are really sweet friends).  But I still hated that stinking scale, mocking from the corner of the bathroom and telling me I was never going to be happy with myself at this weight.

I decided a couple weeks ago to start eating clean.   Not just for the weight loss aspect, but because it really struck a cord in me when I realized how much I rely on processed junk foods and take out when I could make something much tastier from scratch.   AND it normally leaves me feeling happier and more satisfied that I fed myself and my family a home cooked meal.

Since my eating clean challenge began, I finally got out of that plateau!  Not only that, I have lost another 3 lbs!  Which puts me at halfway to my goal weight!!!!

I am so thrilled that I'm finally making my goals a reality.  I don't want to be that person that whines and cries how nothing ever happens for them while they never make a move towards change.  I am making changes in my life to make myself happy.   I will get to the point where I can look in the mirror again and say "Hot damn.  Looking good."

I am starting to love my body again.  And it feels nice to be able to say that.