Parenting, Explained to a Parent

"Hi there, so sorry I missed your call last week - this is Little Man's mom calling to reschedule his PT appointment?"
"Yes hi - we have him listed for this Friday at 2, is that okay?"
"Well no, we have an appointment this week but the following Friday would be fine."
"Okay well, do Fridays at 2 normally work for you? We need a consistent appointment time and you need to keep them so progress can be made with Little Man."
"... Yes, Fridays normally work fine."
"Um... so then yes, why did you say you needed to return my call?"
"Because you canceled our appointment last Friday."

Seriously. Eff the eff off. If I cancel or reschedule an appointment before the required 48 hours, keep your nose out of my business. And if I didn't give you notice, charge my credit card and feel free to inform me that you did. All of that can be done without the side of guilt. I usually overshare and explain to you that he's come down with a bug or that something came up with one of my other kids that needs to be addressed, but even if I didn't... Your office policy is that I call, I called, I didn't ask for your opinion on my child's medical situation Office Manager Judy Snoopy*.

Even though I know Judy is full of crap, it still stings to hear some stranger decide you aren't doing enough. Judy doesn't know that this PT is a placeholder until his Botox loosens up his foot more, that I'm paying a co-pay for a therapist to look at my son's foot and tell me there isn't anything more she can do without hurting him. A co-pay and visit that I have to be careful to space out because insurance grants us 75 visits a year and we will need to use multiple times weekly after his casting and/or surgery much more than we will now. Judy also doesn't know that I have two other children who can be in various levels of need or crisis that I have to consider. Or that I have to be home to receive delivery for a new fridge now that our old one bit the dust. She just wants to impart her glorious wisdom to me because apparently I can't possibly understand that I need to seek medical care for my child?

It is impressive how with one sentence I can feel pissed off, guilty, and anxious all at once.

I hate Judy Snoopy.

*Name changed, obviously. Who would name their kid Judy Snoopy?

"It's Probably Not Cancer" and how we switched pediatricians

Before Vegas was born, we knew that having a good local pediatrician would be crucial. We couldn't use Little Man's - she was not only over two hours away, she also had terrible availability. So we toured an office on the recommendation of friends and absolutely loved it. It wasn't perfect, this ped was still a half hour's drive from us. But we figured it would all work out in the end and we were fairly used to driving to any appointment so it was decided - New Ped would see Vegas and eventually we'd transfer Little Man there as well.

Flash forward to the day we arrive home from the hospital... New Ped didn't have privileges at our hospital so we called to set up the newborn visit for sometime in the next few days. I was very anxious to get the all-clear on Vegas despite all the assurances he was practically perfect in every way, and New Ped had promised to see him herself ASAP.

"We're sorry, we don't have any availability for at least three weeks."

Three weeks? But this was the newborn check!  He would be practically ancient by then! And if there was a brain bleed, it would go undetected for three weeks? Hell no. 

We begged, we pleaded, we repeated the assurances we'd received only a couple of weeks prior. But the receptionist was rude as hell firm - no visits were available.

So we called another pediatrician, this one was between Hubs' office and the house, an ideal location but we'd never met them. He could see Vegas the next day for his newborn check. We were sold.

New New Pediatrician's office was a little more ancient classic. It was in a bigger building with a lot of other doctors, and these pediatricians had been practicing for a lot longer than New Ped. This didn't really bother me much, most of his wisdom was the kind of stuff I'd grown up hearing at my own doctor's visits, and I could relate. He was a friendly doctor, great with Vegas, and he said it would be fine to switch Little Man to him as well.

After we brought in Little Man though, he quickly realized that he was not equipped to handle a kid with disabilities this intense. Although he did say we could continue with his practice, his actions suggested he was uncomfortable with the situation. He refused to even give Little Man a flu shot because he was unsure of the protocol for kids with shunts. We decided after that visit that Little Man would continue with a New New New Pediatrician, and we'd keep Vegas with New New Ped.  Still following?  Good. You're doing better than I thought you would!

Back to Vegas' story - New New Ped was now very cautious with Vegas' health after seeing his big brother. Within his first few weeks, we'd already been directed to a see a specialist about Vegas' feet (slightly bowed from his position in the womb), and another specialist about his pretty intense baby acne.  A few months after that, we were told that Vegas' head was above average sized and he would need to be brought in for extra appointments, our heads needed to be measured and averaged, and then we'd possibly see a third specialist at Children's Hospital.  A couple months later and we were finally told that he just has a big head - but now his "slow development" was concerning. Vegas was already 9 months old and not playing patty-cake.

I think that day was when I finally realized this pediatrician - despite his good nature and great location - was not going to work out. I knew there was nothing wrong with my littlest. He didn't play patty-cake because I don't play patty-cake with him. No, he didn't stand already - but he was slower to walk and so I wasn't worried in the slightest. Until New New Ped told me to worry that is. I didn't have any options for a new ped that I liked and trusted in the area though, so we just stayed with New New Ped because it was convenient. I figured if I found someone we'd eventually switch, but I was not in a big hurry.

With birthdays and vacations keeping us busy all summer, Vegas was late for his 1 year checkup. We went in and he needed his four vaccinations and a blood test for iron levels. The nurse suggested we do the blood test first, and it would be a quick finger prick.

The finger prick took forever, he was slow to start bleeding and it felt like that vial couldn't fill up fast enough. He was hysterically crying and it was breaking my heart to hold him down. Eventually she'd gotten enough blood and she gave him a bandaid and left the room to drop off the vial.

Suddenly Vegas' finger started to bleed for real - all down his arm, the table, and the floor. He was struggling and screaming and I couldn't keep a grip on him on the exam table. I screamed for someone to help me and no one came, even though I had seen a group of nurses hanging out just outside the door.  After what felt like an eternity but was probably only a minute or two, the nurse came back and helped me calm him down and bandaged him back up.  But I was totally thrown, and the shots that followed didn't do anything to calm me down.

We got home and I called Hubs to let him know he was in charge for the next blood draw, and I that I hated the nurses. Even then I was still not "done" with New New Ped, but we were definitely going to be looking for a new doctor sooner rather than later. I was angry, but not angry enough.

That is, I wasn't angry enough until the next day. Hubs called me while I was at a class and told me that New New Ped called him at home around 5 pm. He had gotten the results of Vegas' blood draw and he'd "never seen anything like it before", it was extremely abnormal. He wanted Vegas' in for a redraw in a week, because even his colleagues were confused by these results.

He did want to assure us that it was "probably not cancer though".  This was an issue with red blood cells, so yeah, he didn't think it was cancer.  But it was definitely urgent, and we needed to be in soon.

That is when I went from angry, to Mama Bear furious.  Calling a family at home as they sit down to dinner to inform them of this kind of news? News that you probably had all day, that you waited til end of business day to call to talk about?  News that is "urgent", but we will wait a week to see what happens?! And where in the WORLD did the "c" word come from?!  I am no medical doctor, but even I know that an abnormal red blood cell count doesn't bring cancer to the front of the pack of medical issues you're having, and you're talking to the very frightened family of a one year old!?!? OVER THE PHONE?!

By the next morning we'd switched Vegas to New New New Ped, the lovely but not local doctor we'd found for Little Man. Between 8 am and 11 am, they'd called New New Ped, gotten the lab results, gotten Vegas' records released, reread the lab results, and confirmed with me that they felt it was a faulty test and human error - not a horrible blood problem. Possibly anemia. They wanted to do a retest to confirm that, because they didn't trust this test at all, but it was nothing to panic over. And that was that.

I wish we'd started seeing a new doctor sooner. I should have trusted my gut and switched the minute I realized that this guy was not a good fit for our family. Lesson learned the hard way.

Little Man and Vegas, healthy and probably cancer free.
Seriously, eff that doctor.

Getting Through Dinner

This video showed up on my newsfeed this morning.  If you're like me and don't enjoy clicking back and forth on a phone, I'll sum it up for you. The ABC program "What Would You Do" did an episode about a child being taken out to lunch with his family.  The child in the program behaved as if he had autism (repetitive words and wandering, among other things) and then ABC waited with their hidden cameras to see what diners would do.  When no one reacted to the boy's behavior, they used another actor to instigate some trouble - he acted offended and gave advice to the family (ie; take your kid home or discipline him.) The entire diner then rallied behind the family and the actor that was being rude was encouraged to leave the diner amid cheers and clapping.

I cried a few times watching the video.  Probably because I'm really over-tired from a fun yesterday of wine tasting and grilling out with my in-laws.  Also because I cry at commercials and kids movies.  But honestly I probably cried a little because it was great to see people doing the right thing by this family, whether it was a real situation or not.

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Taking Little Man out in public is always risky.  We do our best to prepare for any possibility, but sometimes it just doesn't want to work. Little Man chooses seemingly on a whim the days where he will be a reasonable companion to our outing, and something that worked to calm him the week before will suddenly no longer work.  Our diaper bag has more distractions for Little Man than diapers and formula, and we are constantly finding new items to carry with us that might just help us during those crucial few moments before a tantrum becomes a full-out meltdown.

Last weekend we took Hubs out to dinner for his birthday to a crab shack that is way out in the boonies.  We'd been there a few times before, and it's great food and short wait times - basically a good place for dining with kids.  We packed up the diaper bag full of snacks, toys, and the portable DVD player and were all set for a great lunch.  Until we sat down and stuck Little Man in the highchair.  Nope.  Not having it.  He was screaming bloody murder, and we took out the Last Resort - the magic DVD player.  And it broke.  And because we were out in the boonies, there was no WiFi to stream a movie on our phones.

We were in the back corner of the restaurant, but the screams were loud and then he started hitting his ears and head (extreme meltdown mode).  So Hubs grabbed his beer and the Little Man and they went outside to cool down.  Ten minutes go by and we think we've got the DVD player working again, so they come back in.  The DVD player works for a few minutes and then it breaks again, leaving Little Man in tears. Not even the allure of fruit snacks is stopping this tantrum.  They go back outside and hang there until dinner arrives and we decide to try one more time.  For whatever reason, third time is the charm and we make it through dinner.  Crisis averted, I guess.  We got to eat dinner, and it wasn't cold.

When  I was waiting for Hubs to come back inside the second time, the woman from the table next to us stopped by our table and leaned down to talk to me.  "You're doing a great job", she said, and then just smiled and walked off.

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As strange and awkward as it might seem to offer that sentiment to a complete stranger, I wish more people had the courage to say something.  Because it really helps.  It helps when you feel like everyone is staring, and everyone is judging you for not having your kid "under control" and not "disciplining him".  It helps in those horrible moments in the grocery store where you just want to melt into the floor because you know that it isn't "normal" for a six year old to be sobbing uncontrollably while wiping his tears into his mouth and chewing on his fingers.  It helps when you are watching your child slap his head and face, and you're wondering what the dozens of watchful eyes are thinking to themselves as they stare at your family in the checkout lane.

We live this situation in varying degrees all the time, and it is very, very real.  That horrible diner from the video that is judging that family is out there, and he embarrasses you and breaks your heart sometimes.  The "it takes a village" mentality about being able to shame all children (yours or not) into behaving while they are out in public is mortifying to a parent of a child with developmental disabilities.  People who know nothing about your child find it extremely important to tell you what you are doing is wrong and that you aren't parenting properly. Despite the happy message of the video, it is much more rare for me to encounter a person who simply supports us, builds us up, and reminds us we aren't alone and that even though it looks bad today - we are doing a great job and things will be better tomorrow.

Just think about it next time you see a family struggling out in public.  Think about how hard they are working to be "normal", or even to just get through this one outing, this one afternoon. Think about it before you give them a dirty look or roll your eyes because they are disrupting your life somehow.  I promise that most of those families wish you weren't inconvenienced by them as well.  I promise that most of those families wished you never even noticed them.  We're just trying to get through dinner too.

Why I Don't Gamble With Baby Vegas

Over the last few months, I've had to make a ton of decisions on how to raise Baby Vegas.  And believe it or not, just because I've done it once before with Little Man doesn't mean I will make the same choices for my second son. Not only do I not remember everything I did with Little Man, things have already changed since my firstborn was a baby.  Yes, in five years, things have changed. So not only do I have to defend my decisions to my (well-meaning but wrong) older generation of moms/grandmas I have around me, but I have to defend them to myself!  Just because I did it once doesn't mean it is still the best or safest way to parent!

Between my BabyBump iPhone app and my Facebook newsfeed, there are so many questions and then opinions about baby rearing.  Breast-feeding or formula?  Attachment parenting or crying-it-out?  Pureed food or baby led weaning?  These debates can get incredibly heated, but I generally avoid them and am not too concerned.  While these choices are obviously very important to you and yours, your decision in them does not affect me or the life of your child.  Your breastfed baby is just as safe as my formula fed one.  Kids who start on purees will eventually eat table food.  There are no studies that identify whether serial killers were carried in Baby Bjorns instead of a tye-dyed ring sling.  Maybe your kid will end up "better" than my kid, or maybe they won't.  These kind of choices are innocent parenting choices that always just prompt me to say - and only when asked for my opinion - "Here is what I do, but really, do what you think is best."

But then there are the debates that have me slamming down my phone in disgust or typing away long-winded answers in frustration.  Baby carriers rested on the tops of shopping carts.  Guidelines on how long to keep your child in a car seat and/or rear facing.  Crib bumpers and the "back to sleep" initiative.  These questions make me angry because there is in fact just one answer to all of these - do what is safest despite what is convenient!  That's it.  No, you don't hear about thousands of babies dying from any one of these things.  But there are plenty of injuries, and there have been deaths.  So why would you risk being that unlucky parent for a little bit of convenience?  Yeah, I've been there.  I hate having to wake up a sleeping baby to transfer them to a wearable carrier or one of the carriers that is pre-attached to your shopping cart.  I have beautiful crib bumpers gifted to me for my first son from before the state of Maryland outlawed them for safety reasons. I've watched my son sleeping on his tummy so sweetly and deeply that I was tempted to walk away and get my work done.

Then I think about it again.  I think about those women who knew it would never ever happen to them.  The ones whose child would never fall off a shopping cart as she rolled over a curb, or turned down the aisle too quickly. The mother who walked in to see her child tangled in a crib bumper or smothered under a heavy quilt.  Those few mothers out of those hundreds of mothers who just know it will never happen to them.  And then I don't gamble. It isn't worth the risk  My son's life is worth making the safe bet - which is not betting at all.   Just because your parents did it and "we turned out fine" is not an excuse any more.  Know better, and do better.  Don't be the person that gambles and loses! You can't possibly know what life has in store for you. You might be the car involved in a collision on the Beltway, or you might get home safely with two kids sharing a single seat-belt. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, "By golly I better be extra-safe today because I have that accident coming my way."  If there are ways to prevent infant and child deaths and you aren't doing them, then that is when I want to shake you and beg you to become informed. Even when doing your very best all the time as a parent, accidents happen.  Every day can't be your lucky day. So please take the extra time to read up on child safety and carry it out.  The one time you realize that you prevented an accident or injury will be worth all the headache and work you swore you didn't need to be doing.  And if you never happen to encounter a situation where your child is saved by one of the safety measures you took - well then, consider yourself lucky, and I'd recommend you play the slots.

What Is Being "Selfish" versus being "Smart"?

I've already confessed that my family is addicted to trashy television.  I am unfortunately the worst offender in our house, and adore watching shows like 'Teen Mom' and 'Real World' after Hubs has gone to bed.

The last couple of episodes of 'Teen Mom' have shown one of the moms, Kailyn, struggling with the decision to marry her boyfriend and possibly move out of state if he is relocated for the Air Force.  Right now (in reality TV world, which is months behind real-time) Kailyn's son spends about 30% of his time with his dad Jo and Jo's family.  If (and she eventually does) Kailyn gets married, it could really cut down on Jo's time with his kid.  Which totally sucks for Jo, yeah, I see that.  But what is making me all twitchy about the whole situation are the bloggers and recap sites whining that Kailyn is being "so selfish" for thinking of remarrying and leaving the state.  And there are plenty of these articles out there.  One of my favorite negative comments is that if you have a kid with someone you need to be prepared to stay near them forever - no matter what happens.  Really?  I can only imagine that comment comes from someone who has never experienced the difficulties of co-parenting through a divorce or break-up.

After three years of raising her son in a town where she has no family or support system besides Jo's family, Kailyn is leaving to marry a man who has promised to take care of her emotionally and financially.  She will finally be getting health insurance.  She will not have to worry about where the money for next month's rent will come from.  She will have that security for the first time since her son was born and Jo kicked her out of the house after their breakup.  How is that just a "selfish" decision? To me, this seems like the answer to prayer.  It seems like the best possible decision she could make for herself, and thereby her child.

I think her story just resonates with me so much because it's like watching my own life if it were scripted and dramatized.  When Ex and I split up, I ended up moving to a town 30 minutes north of where he'd eventually settle.  He was able to co-parent with me easily, we'd alternate pickups and drop offs and he even had a key to my place.  When I worked late nights he'd come over and put Little Man to bed, and wait til I got home to leave for his place again.  It was a nice arrangement, if you don't mind absolutely no privacy and the fact that the person that drives you completely bonkers is still spending 30-40% of your week driving you bonkers.

But up in this suburb of Baltimore, I had no family, no support system, and my job was relocated 45 minutes away.  I basically lived at the mercy of Ex and his mom (neither were working at the time) and put thousands of miles on my old car driving to them or sitters and an expensive daycare that sapped any extra funds I could scrounge up.  I didn't get to enjoy being a mom because I was so busy trying to make sure we survived month-to-month and that all our bills were paid.  In short, my life was a lot like Kailyn's, except I was a few years older and not famous.

When I met Hubs and he later asked me to move in with him, I knew it would change the relationship between Ex and Little Man.  Instead of seeing him 3 days a week, he'd see him every other weekend.  It was something I felt bad about, and that Ex initially resented.  But I couldn't deny the benefits it would bring for both Little Man and myself.  I got to take him out of daycare and start up home therapies with Infant and Toddlers.  I was able to take him to countless specialists and get the ball rolling on new ideas for his care.  I was finally able to discover that he was probably having a shunt malfunction for a very long time without us knowing.  I was able to stay home with him and work through the horrible stranger anxiety he had developed.  I was able to breathe and talk about my problems with someone who loved and supported me, and eventually get married, get health insurance, and start a family again.  I was able to get out of the constant negative cycle that single mother-hood had thrust me into, and I was finally able to be happy.  Best of all, I was finally able to be the mother I'd always wanted Little Man to have.

Is that selfish?  I can't imagine a single person calling it that, but maybe it's because I'm not a teen mom.  To me it seems like I got the lucky break that very few struggling single parents get - that opportunity for a second chance.  While in a perfect world of divorce, Ex and I would have been able to parent on a 50-50 schedule - it just didn't work out that way.  But if you asked him, I bet that "selfish" would be the the last thing he would call my choice.  Even though he was disappointed to lose time with Little Man, he knew that what I was doing would make both of our lives better.  And you know what?  When the time came that Ex wasn't able to pull his weight and help out with Little Man the way he had been before - I sure as hell knew that making the hard decision to change the way we parented back then had been the best option.  Instead of being completely screwed because of Ex's choices, the choices I had made for myself allowed Little Man and I to continue being healthy and happy.

Although I don't know Jo or his circumstances, one day he will also decide to move forward and make huge decisions in his life, after all he is barely 20 years old.  Those decisions will change his co-parenting needs, and Kailyn should not be forced to wait around to see what his choices are before she can make any of her own.  Someone had to take that first step to move forward and better themselves, and I respect that she saw a way to make a better life for her young family and took it.  So you can call her selfish if you want, but all I can call her is smart.  Because I see myself when I look at Kailyn, and all I can imagine is that sigh of relief she breathes every night knowing that she and her child are finally secure, settled, and best of all - happy.

Money or World Peace?

Here's a great head-scratcher for ya:  What is more important to you?  Money, or world peace?

I think the answer was made clear for us in that great American classic "Miss Congeniality".
[Spoiler alert - It's world peace.]

I know that seems random, but let me get back to that thought...

Lately my Ex has been driving me insane, and I have been biting my tongue to hold back all the anger I want to lash out at him.  It makes me crazy that he does not care about day-to-day decisions in Little Man's life.  He has no concept of his daily routines, therapies, if/when school will be starting for him... he never asks for information until standing in our door at pickup.  Then he wants a quick rundown of the last however-long it has been, as if I can sum up 2+ weeks in a few moments before he walks out the door.  That is, if he even manages to get down here to pick Little Man up at all.  He tends to text us on Thursday night or Friday morning letting us know that he had some sort of emergency which will prevent him from picking up Little Man.

Hubs and I made the decision after the wedding that we were no longer going to enable Ex's behavior, and we've been firm at sticking to that plan even though it usually makes things more difficult for us than for Ex.  We used to do the 3.5 hour round trip for drop offs AND pick ups because Ex didn't have a working car for awhile.  But even though we'd make the all the drop offs, Ex wouldn't be able to pay child support because he was "saving for a better car" or "not working" or "paying off bills."  So now, when Ex texts at 3:30 pm on his scheduled Friday with Little Man saying that his car suddenly broke down again, we say nothing.  We ask him what his plan will be and sit back and wait for him to wiggle out of another visitation/payment.  Then we rearrange our schedule and any plans we made for the weekend and wait til Ex contacts us again, which is usually two weeks later for his next visit.

But here is where I get back to my original thought:  What is more important?  Money or world peace?

Ex is perfectly content to continue living the way he is living.  He is fine being a dad a couple days a month, and I never doubt that he does love Little Man in his teenage way.  But he is also fine not seeing Little Man for weeks at at a time.  He is fine letting us be the full-time parents and he's the "fun guy".

I could press him harder to man up, to spend time with his son.  I could take him to court and demand back child support.  But is it worth it?  Is it worth disrupting what is a very easy and (mostly) painless process for Hubs and I every two weeks?  Ex has nothing but respect for Hubs and I, he has told us so on multiple occasions.  Drop offs, although full of strained and awkward small talk, are polite and everyone tries their best to co-parent in 15 minutes or less.  We were clear with Ex back in January that our patience had run out on driving to him and then not getting (what is a very very small) support that month on top of it all.  So he actually did end up doing a couple drop off/pick ups on his own, until this latest "I don't have a car again" month.

I guess what Hubs and I always tell ourselves is "Why rock the boat?  It could be so much worse."  Without the court's involvement we have been able to be very flexible with visitation, switching weekends around here and there and picking up Little Man very early or very late.  The few times we "needed" to drop off Little Man because we had plans we couldn't break, Ex has been fairly accommodating.   No, we can't rely on Ex for any help with child support.  But is that money worth making everything tense between us?  Would going to court even accomplish anything since technically he is unemployed and working odd jobs?

So I hold in this rage that I am feeling today, as Ex pulls out another one of his classic lines to avoid a pickup.  I try not to let it make me furious that I feel like I care so much and he cares so little.  I know my screaming or my passive aggression isn't going to change the core of who Ex is, a little boy trapped in a man body.  And I opt for world peace.

The One Where I Do My Civic Duty

During lunchtime my senior year of high school there was a table set up outside our cafeteria by the state government.  It was a friendly reminder for the brand new eighteen year olds to register for the draft and to vote.  Pretty smart idea, because I doubt I would have registered to vote anywhere else at that point in my life. 

I filled out the form and absentmindedly checked the box that said "Would you consider being an election judge?"  I didn't even know what it meant at the time.

I became an assistant judge for the 2004 primary elections, and at eighteen years old was the youngest judge in the room by forty years.  The job was simple, I had a giant paper book filled with names and had to check off people as they went to vote.  The other retirees I worked with didn't seem to take me seriously, and I didn't care - it was just an easy paycheck.  But then the new touchscreen voting machines needed to be fixed and I was able to help.  By the general elections all the little old ladies were telling me next year I needed to apply to be a Chief Judge.   Seemed easy enough, same work I'd been roped into that year but with a better paycheck and fancier title.

So from '06-'12, I have been a Chief Election Judge.  And I am still the youngest in the room, albeit by a tiny bit less now.  Tomorrow marks my tenth election day and I'm looking forward to seeing my usual team at our prep meeting tonight.   I'm preparing for a fairly horrific election day, reminiscent of the 2008 election dramatics - but I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

That was a fairly long-winded introduction to what I really wanted to say which is - Get involved!  It is easy to distance yourself from the way your government works, or complain when it doesn't.  If you are truly interested in seeing how the election works and how your community feels, then become an election judge.  It is absolutely worth it. 

The One For Ann (And All Her Friends)

Ann Coulter.  I have nothing nice to say about you, so I really try not to say anything at all.  It is a value that one of the many people who helped raise me into a responsible adult imparted on me.  I am not saying I'm perfect - far from it.  But I know the difference between a little bit of snarky gossip and spouting off a mouthful of batshit crazy hate.  You, Ms. C, tend to do a little too much of the latter.  So today I'm going to tell you how I feel about you - and it isn't going to be nice.

Normally when I see you pop up on television I am in the process of changing the channel.  I try not to watch any political "news" because it makes my head explode and it is kind of boring.  It means I miss a lot of the things you say on a day to day basis, and I like it that way.

But you can't hide from crazy forever, and so when I saw your Tweet that went viral yesterday it made my blood boil:

I don't know you in real life Ann.  I don't know what has happened to you in your past to make you such an angry and hateful person (and I refuse to read your books to find out).  You seem to be very comfortable using derogatory words and nasty comments as a way to get a little fame.  Most of your "journalism" consists of putting down the people you disagree with by using hate speech.  Why do you think this is okay?  Why do 1,119 people think that this kind of speech is okay?  Why aren't you as a public figure more ashamed of yourself for using this kind of language and instead adding more fuel to this fire?  Why are you still being sponsored by a major "news" network?!?!

But I can only control myself, and I can control my words.  I choose not to associate myself with people who take no issue with tossing that word around.   I choose to speak up when someone offends me with that word.  I choose to carefully pick a different word when I find something stupid, offensive, or disagreeable - unlike you Ann.

I look over at my son watching his favorite t.v. show this morning and my heart physically hurts.  Someday he will be at school, and someday he will make another little kid mad or hurt or confused - because that's life and those are kids.  Maybe he will steal their toy, or run into them while walking down the hall, or even just flap his way into class.  And then I worry that that little kid will have no problem calling my son a retard.  Why would they?  They hear that word from their parents, or they see it on tv and no one cares.  Maybe their parents and Ann Coulter use it "properly" - you know, as a way to describe a guy that cuts them off in traffic or a political candidate.  But these kids, they aren't going to be able to discriminate when it is or is not "appropriate" to use that word.  That is where I am not okay with this.

I care, and some day Little Man will care about the "r-word".  I certainly don't think that we are going to eliminate the r-word from our vocabulary anytime soon. There will always be people comfortable saying it among their friends or as a joke. There are the people that consider me to be overreacting when I flinch at their flippant use of the word. There are the people who are "allowed" to use the word because they have a disability, who are taking back the negative language. Yes, all of these things are going to continue, and we have no way of stopping it as much as it breaks my heart.

But I hope that maybe, just maybe enough people will be offended by a public figure using this word that there will be some backlash for Ann Coulter.  That she won't be able to get away this kind of talk just because it wasn't the n-word or the c-word or the s-word or any other hateful speech I can come up with off the top of my head.  I hope that Ann gets a great big karmic slapdown. 

I know life isn't always fair like that though.  So if life can't hand her a plate full of karma, I can hope for something else.  I hope that there are parents sitting down with their kids tonight and explaining to them that what Ann Coulter said is wrong and why it is hurtful and not funny or satirical.  I hope that they explain to their kids that she is not making the right word choices.  And I hope they maybe think twice before they use that word themselves.

The One With Politics

The first presidential debate is on tonight.  Great.  Wonderful. 

Does anyone care? 

No, honestly, get off the whole "This is going to showcase who the better speaker is, watch my candidate 'win' everything and hit all these talking points" schpiel. 

Does anyone really think that this debate is going to change anything??

Does anyone really think that American voters haven't decided who they are voting for yet?  That they are waiting for this debate to somehow clear things up for them?  Does anyone really think that anything one of the two candidates will say will sway people away from the other?

If you do, I think you're kidding yourself.

There was a time when the presidential debates mattered.  A time when this would be one of the first times many people heard the candidate's opinions and listened to them speak at length. 

This is not that time.  Our candidates now have been campaigning from the minute Obama lowered his hand from swearing to uphold and honor the presidency of the United States.  We've had four years to watch them go at each other.  We've had four years to watch one of them work, and the other discuss how they would do it differently.  We've heard all their arguments already, their pros and cons.

What am I actually going to learn from watching this debate?  If I am one of the Americans that has a genuine interest in policy and government action, my assumption is that my candidate has said everything important and/or surprising that he needed to say prior to this debate.  I could catch highlights on the morning news, and skip about three hours of discussion on issues I've already heard ad nauseum.  I will continue to support my candidate, because one debate really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

If I am not that American - then I will not be watching the debate anyways.  I will catch the bloopers and criticisms on my news or comedy shows, and I will feel justified in continuing to support the candidate I already support based on the reaction of others.

So great - the debate is on tonight.  Just like it has been on every night for the past four years.

The One With "Mompetition"

Mompetition:  The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown. [from UrbanDictionary]

 

In the world of parenting, I am a noob.  You'd think now that Little Man is four, I'd have achieved a moderately higher rank by now.  But alas, I have only one child.  And he is only four.  And I am *gasp* a young mom.  Only 26.   I mean, my kid is alive now... but from all the unsolicited advice and thinly veiled threats, I wake up every morning thinking Child Services might be staked out in front of my house waiting for me to make a wrong move.

 

Why is that?!  Purely rhetorical.  I know why I feel like a parenting noob.  Because of those Other Moms.  You know them.  Gwenyth Paltrow (check out GOOP if you're particularly sadistic).  Giada DeLaurentis.  Even just a random Facebook friend.  Wait a minute... not "even just" a random Facebook friend.  Ninety percent of my mom guilt comes from self-righteous Facebook mommies.

Contrary to what the term "Facebook friend" implies, we all know that some of your "friends" are most certainly not friends.  Some of them are co-workers.  Or people you know through your significant other.  Ex-classmates.  The list is endless.  Sometimes I feel really ambitious and try to whittle down the list of people I don't really give a crap about.  And somehow I get about ten or so people in and I'm exhausted.  And then in the next few days a couple of these people refriend me with confusion and I just give up.

 

One of the toughest groups to ignore read on Facebook are the MOMS.  Not that I want to ignore all of them!  Your babies are cute.  Look at that one covered in spaghetti.  Aw, a cat hugging a baby!  The cuteness explodes my Newsfeed and I comment on each picture like it is my job.

 

But there are the others.  The ones who inform me that every.single.thing. I have ever done to keep my child alive to raise my son is absolutely wrong. 

 

Status Update: "Little Man ate grapes today for the first time!  I can't believe he ate a fruit! I AM A GREAT MOM!"

Mom #1:  LAWL that is so cute!  I hope they were organic locally grown grapes - you know that if they weren't he will be exposed to pesticides and chemicals and grow flippers right??

Mom#2:  Are you just now introducing grapes after four years?  I am sure you cut them in half so he didn't choke to death on them, right?!  Princess has been eating grapes for years now and we deseed them individually and cut them into quarters before they are allowed to touch her precious baby lips, just for EXTRA safety.  ;)

 

 

Possibly an exaggeration.  BUT NOT BY MUCH.  These women are merely annoying.  I can usually roll my eyes at this kind of Mompetition response because well... I let my kid eat bread off the floor when he drops it.  And sometimes I look over at him and I'm not even sure what he's found in the couch cushions.  I assume it is some more of that bread.  I've never heard a news story where a kid dies because his mom did not buy him organic grapes.  I've only heard that one news story where someone almost died from a steady diet of chicken nuggets.  So these kind of "one-up" comments from Moms are just something I sigh and chuckle about and remind myself to block them from my Newsfeed ignore it.

 

The ones that are hard to ignore and get my feathers all ruffled are the ones where someone leaves feeling genuine guilt and sometimes fear because of the way they have been raising their child. Not doing extended breastfeeding?  Your child will never get into college.  Not breastfeeding at all?  Sacrilege, your child's every illness is your own stupid fault.  Your child is sleeping on her tummy?   Do you have a death wish!?!?!

 

Heated debates on everything from attachment parenting to infant circumcision fill up my Newsfeed at least once a week.  Everyone seems to know exactly how children should be raised, and God forbid you disagree or... *second gasp of the day* DID IT WRONG!  Don't worry, 100 other mothers (and most have never met your child) will tell you how badly you've messed up.  And in the meantime, remind you how they've done it right.

 

Its just so ridiculous it makes my blood boil.  When I say I didn't breastfeed my son, and that I probably won't be breastfeeding future children, you'd think that I was advertising my intent to set their cribs on fire.   And I feel so guilty. (For like a minute.  Don't worry too hard.)  These moms make it their goal to make you feel unbelievably shitty for something you may or may not have control over.  And they feel justified in doing so because we've created this culture of mompetition, where every mom has to be the BEST mom or they're not doing it right.  If you're not homeschooling, feeding them organic meals three times a day, teaching them Chinese, and making sure they are reading above grade level then you're a failure.  And you BEST have lost that baby weight six weeks after your little precious came into this world, don't even get me started on moms who "don't care about their physical appearance."

 

There are not nearly enough moms who support each other, who lift each other up, who try to understand different points of view.  I don't need to be educated on how to be a mother.  We've read the same articles, the same books, and heard the same stories.  I'm living motherhood.   Every day is a crash course in parenting, from the one little person whose opinion will matter in about twenty years when he is reflecting on the job I did.   When I mention I am doing XYZ with my son, its not so you can tell me what I'm doing wrong.   Its probably because I think a really funny story is about to come out of this.  If "I'm right and you're wrong" is all you can think of to say, then keep your lips zipped.  You can come give me that opinion in twenty years too actually.  If he's living in my basement building pipe bombs, then remind me I should have breastfed him and given him more organic vegetables.  Maybe then I'll agree with you.  My prediction though, is that he will be a happy and well adjusted person who thinks I'm the greatest mom ever.  And he probably won't even mention all the times I let him eat bread from under the couch cushions.