Life is Hitting Us Hard

As usual, the holidays came and we all caught some sort of horrible bug.  We've been out of commission for about a week now with various levels of sick, although Little Man has been miserable much longer than the rest of us. About a month now. We even ended up taking him to Urgent Care, because his cough started to get a horrible whooping sound for a few days. He was given steroids, cough syrup, and a diagnosis of croup. Yikes!

Luckily they said it wasn't very contagious, unless you shared food or drink immediately after him.

Two days later, Vegas was a snotty, sick little mess.

Oh little boys...

STOP BEING CUTE, HE'S FULL OF GERMS!

Because Little Man is sick and miserable, his behavior has been really out of whack lately too. His normal stimming and head-hitting has escalated to full blown punches to the left side of his head when he's angry. He leaves big red marks all down the side of his face, and screams bloody murder while he does it. I'm sure it hurts, which is a problem, but it is also really scary to watch. When he does the hitting in public I have to brace myself for not only his actions, but my own reaction as I sense people watching me to see what happens next. I never let the people-watchers dictate my own actions - Little Man is my child and I know when he needs to be redirected and pushed through an activity and when it's time to cut our losses and bail. But it stings to feel those eyes on you and your child, for sure.

I know there will be a time when Little Man is too big to pick up and hold, and too strong for me. I can feel it coming every time I lift him into his chair at dinnertime. So I worry all the time that this hitting phase will be permanent and that there will be a time where he will cause serious harm to himself or others, and that I won't be able to fix this. And of course right now it's too early to tell what will happen in a year, or five years, or ten. But I still worry. Because that's what mommas do best. Love and worry.

Right now, the hitting is only a problem when he is mad, and he only hits himself. So we're talking with his behavioral psychologist and trying to decide how best to handle things. I have a feeling that our psych trips will increase after we see him again this week and let him know our progress. Which is okay. We are okay.  And Little Man is okay.

Things had just been really smooth for awhile there, and so this feels like a huge setback. Behaviorally Little Man has developed leaps and bounds from where he was even just last year, but this just... its rough. Every once in awhile I just feel so overwhelmed with this one.

My Little Man being a lovebug at the doctor's office.

But this is also my Little Man. This cuddly little love-bug of a kid, who lately has been crawling into our laps at night when he gets tired, just to be held for awhile. The kid who never once hits his brother or is mean to him, despite how much Vegas is in his face all day long. The kid who loves to run his hands over beard stubble while he looks lovingly into your eyes.  This crazy, adorable little guy.

I love this little guy, and today I want to just look at this picture and remember how much he melts my heart even when it's been a long, hard, month.