Monday, January 7, 2013

The One Where It All Feels Different

I am now officially telling people I am pregnant, instead of just declining a glass of wine while they smile at me knowingly.  This means people like to ask me the hard pregnancy questions like... "Is it a boy or girl?" and "Is it just like last time?"

Well right now, it kind of looks like a tadpole and not a person - give me a minute to cook this one!  And as for like last time... Gahhh I don't know!?!?!?  I don't even remember what week I was in when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man - although it had to have been sometime after Week Four.  Maybe 5 or 6, because my college roommate casually mentioned I should be aware that I'd skipped a period.  I hadn't noticed.  Whoops.  Although to be fair, the only reason she probably noticed is because she counted our bathroom products regularly to make sure I hadn't been using hers.  I am not making this up.

This time though, I'm slightly more aware of my body.   If I was tired last time, I probably chalked it up to excessive late night Taco Bell runs and all-nighters on the papers I waited until the last minute to write.  This time, I know that I am just really freaking tired no matter how much or how little I sleep.  And if I felt nauseous last time, I probably assumed I was recovering from late night Taco Bell runs.  This time, every single thing I want to eat makes me want to hurl.  Except, ironically, Taco Bell.  I am not making this up.

Pregnancy just feels completely new to me.  It is a really strange feeling, to feel like you know nothing about a subject you swear you were a pro on until you started the process all over again.   But to be honest, I don't know why I am not less surprised at how strange this pregnancy feels for me.  Last time I was pregnant I was terrified.  22 years old, alone and scared for the first few months.  Having a baby my senior year of college was never my plan.  The news I was pregnant was greeted with disappointment or anger, and every time I told someone I burst into tears... it wasn't a fun first trimester.  This time I cried tears of joy when I found out we were pregnant, and WE told our parents together, as everyone celebrated.

My first pregnancy did become a joy eventually.  I found the happiness inside me that only bringing a new little one into the world can bring you.  But it is a totally new experience to be able to share all the joys and stresses of pregnancy from the beginning... to be able to talk about my symptoms without that fear of judgement.

I thought I remembered pregnancy.  I thought this time would be a lot like last time.  I never realized just how different this would feel.

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