Depression. It is a scary word even to type.
When I wrote my last post I was careful to avoid that word. I skirted around that word like saying it out loud would make it true. It terrified me. What if I was going through depression, what if this "mood swing" was going to last for weeks, months - or God forbid, my whole pregnancy?!
Thankfully the sun broke through the clouds yesterday after a very difficult weekend. I woke up feeling happy and confident again, interested in being productive and taking care of myself and my family. It was amazing the difference in my mood. And it made me realize that yes - this was in fact a mood swing and not a dangerous downward spiral into a dark place. I was so thankful that it was over.
Depression scares the shit out of me because I have already battled it at various points in my life. I already know that I am susceptible to it. I have tried to convince myself many times that my bouts with depression are not "real depression" because they have always had a root cause. An abusive relationship, a critically ill child, a failing marriage - I had genuine reasons at those times to be depressed. But I think there does come a point where I have to admit to myself that I don't handle sad very well. It shouldn't be something I am afraid to address. I need to let myself be helped. If it is medicine, or therapy, or just getting the hell out of the situation I'm in - I need to accept help. It doesn't have to be something I suffer through alone and in silence.
So this is my promise to myself - that I won't be ashamed of the D-word. If I feel like I am going into that place, I will try my hardest to confront that feeling in myself. I will tell my family and friends, and I will ask for help.
That wasn't so bad...right? :)