I am feeling so overwhelmed today, that it is hard to articulate my feelings.
Little Man had his first appointment in a new neurological clinic last Thursday. I met with a lovely and articulate doctor and she gave me about 3000 things to think about - from the easy to the slightly more challenging. I cried during the appointment. I hate doing that, as it inevitably leads to the "You're doing just fine Mom" reassurance that I feel is just to placate me. It was one of those visits I wish Hubs had been there for, because I think I only absorbed about 85% of the information, and I would have loved having someone to be the levelheaded one while I blubbered away.
As with any general clinic setting, I left her office with plenty of homework. Lots of new doctors to call, lots of diagnoses to follow up on, lots of questions answered and asked. We'll be starting that homework this week with a new neurologist, a speech and language assessment, another developmental test, and working on getting his records organized.
According to Doctor Lovely, 'state law' says Little Man's newest diagnosis (she says no autism by the way) means he should be getting 45 minutes of Speech Therapy 5 days a week. Which he is not. He is getting 0 minutes of therapy a week. Why? Well when I told the county that I was not comfortable with Little Man in the school setting they offered or riding a bus to school, they basically told me "Bummer. Now we stop home services. See ya in Kindergarten." Doctor Lovely agrees with me that Little Man would be better suited for home therapy, and she is going to try to help us get some from the county.
I am not holding my breath. But I am hopeful. This clinic is a little different in that they don't take any insurance coverage and are entirely funded by "generous donors." So they run things a little differently, and maybe that is going to be a good thing. Little Man is receiving a "scholarship" to go there, which is great. And also fun to brag about. My four year old has a scholarship.
Unfortunately the appointment on Thursday sent me into a really big tailspin. I left the office so drained I didn't even have the strength to drive home. I stopped by my godparents house until I could finally pull myself together. When I got home I was a wreck. The "what-if" demon was dancing around my thoughts, along with his "you don't do enough for your child" and "you're failing" siblings. I felt like a crushing weight had been placed on me, and I couldn't get out from under it no matter how hard I tried.
I woke up several times during the night just crying and wishing I knew what the whuck was going on with my emotions. Hubs of course chose this moment to come down with a massive toothache. Like I believed THAT. (Kidding kidding, all jokes aside the poor guy had his tooth yanked out the next day so he wasn't really on his game either!) But even if he'd been able to talk, he couldn't have stopped the crazy thoughts and buckets full of tears. There came a point where I just really didn't even know why I was upset anymore, I just knew that things were bad and I felt like they'd never get better.
The mood swing hasn't really gone away yet. I did get to celebrate my birthday this weekend with my family and friends which kept me out of the funk for most of Saturday. But today I woke up blue again and there really wasn't a trigger.
I know my hormones are all kinds of crazy with Baby Vegas working on his legs in there (he's plum sized this week!), so I keep reassuring myself this will pass just like the morning sickness. Right now I barely have the energy to move from the bed to the couch. But I can and I will power through this - and hopefully I won't piss off too many people in the process.