The One Where I Am Wasting Away

It is no big secret - I love wine.  I also drink beer, liquor, fruity mixed drinks - I drink it all.  It is absolutely the biggest hurdle to my weight loss, but one that I have decided I give no f*@$* about.  Booze is full of lovely empty calories, and I could care less.  It is my vice, and I have accepted it.  A glass of wine with dinner after a long day is my favorite way to relax.  A glass of wine with my friends after a long day is my favorite way to start a fantastic night.  If I need to lose weight I exercise a little more, eat better, and call it success.

That being said, I clearly have not been drinking while pregnant.  Nor have I been trying to lose weight.  But I haven't been drinking now for over a month.  And combined with the morning sickness, I have now passed my pre-baby goal weight and am a pound less than I was aiming towards.  It doesn't seem like such a big deal - 6 pounds down since my wedding two months ago.  If I wasn't pregnant I'd be jumping for joy!   That pesky little beer belly I can't get rid of because I will never give up wine because I cheat a little bit is gone!

But I am pregnant.  And I am not hungry.  I have a teeny tiny appetite, and I am trying uber hard to fill up on "good foods".  Not. Working.  I am too lazy to cook and too tired to care.  I take my vitamins and just hope that Baby Vegas appreciates that I can gag them down.  I want to be eating well and having tiny balanced meals all day - and I'm just not.  Blergh.   

I managed to eat an entire cup of soup and a half-salad while out with my girlfriends last night, and considered it a huge accomplishment.  Today its almost noon and I have suffered through a banana, which I tried to split with Little Man.

We went out shopping two nights ago and stocked up on my favorite things, so hopefully having those around will encourage me to eat more.   If not, I'm really not sure what to do.  Hopefully the second trimester will be as magical as they say in the baby books and bring back my appetite.  Wish me luck!

The One Where We Relax

Well we did it!  We finally finished painting Little Man's room!  I'll post pictures eventually when we're done decorating and touch-ups, but the paint is dry, the fumes gone, and he's back to a good and safe night's sleep.

While the painting was being done and during the drying process, Little Man slept in the guest room in his Pack n Play.   Yeah, that went really well... never.  He is too big for the Pack n Play now really, so he can't get comfortable.  Which meant he tried to escape constantly, and woke up very early every day.  Like before the sunrise early.  After a week of that, putting him in his room for the first time was like Christmas all over again.   He slept in til 10 am and Mommy couldn't have been more grateful.  Of course, I got up at 8:30 panicked he was out of his room already because it was so peaceful, and then couldn't get back to sleep.  But it was the thought that counted.

We had a great three and a half day weekend together since Hubs was off on Monday and it was his Friday off.  I am feeling so lazy with this pregnancy that it is hard to get motivated to do anything!  But we still managed to get some shopping done on Friday after I spent the afternoon in the Social Security office changing my name!  By the way... Did you know that no matter how hungry you are, it is against the rules to eat at the SS office?  Yeah, found that out the hard way when Little Man was yelled at for eating a fruit snack by an armed security guy.  So one very grumpy Mommy waited by herself for two hours while the boys waited in the car and got Dunkin Donuts.  I'm not bitter at all.

The rest of the weekend was movies and relaxing with family.  We saw Hub's family for dinner on Saturday night and my mom came over on Sunday to help us do a little interior decorating and play some Wii before the big Ravens game!   I will be the first to admit that I have never cared much about football, I usually root for whatever team my friends are cheering for - so the fact that I have actually been voluntarily watching all this football lately is hilarious.  This season has been really... strangely... fun!

Anyways, this week is going to be pretty quiet and I am looking forward to the relaxation.  My mom also dropped off about a hundred (I'm not even exaggerating) romance novels a friend gave her while decluttering - so I have plenty of lazy days reading and hanging out at home ahead of me.  

The One With A 90's Flashback

We all remember these right?

So sexy.   Ahem.

At least I do.  I think tearaway pants were really awesome when I was in the 6th grade or so.  Or maybe they were never awesome, but I was twelve so...

Anyways.  Little Man has a new "thing" lately.  His thing is to pretend that diapers are tearaway pants.  Like the cool kids of the 90's, he grabs hold of the diaper and rips it away from his body.  Screw pants!  WHO NEEDS PANTS?

Um.  You do Little Man, you do.  You cannot keep taking off your diaper and letting it hide in your pants leg.  And then peeing all over yourself and/or my house.  It's not cool.  It is actually super duper gross and very stressful.  Every time I hug you I have to double check you're all tucked in, and then if you aren't I have to run around the house sniffing my furniture.  We're running an extra load of laundry every couple days because you can't keep your pants on!

So if anyone has ideas besides duct tape, let me know.  The converted jammies he wears aren't doing the trick for this one.  I'm thinking maybe plastic furniture - that's still cool right?

The One With the D Word

Depression.  It is a scary word even to type.

When I wrote my last post I was careful to avoid that word.  I skirted around that word like saying it out loud would make it true.  It terrified me.  What if I was going through depression, what if this "mood swing" was going to last for weeks, months - or God forbid, my whole pregnancy?!

Thankfully the sun broke through the clouds yesterday after a very difficult weekend.  I woke up feeling happy and confident again, interested in being productive and taking care of myself and my family.  It was amazing the difference in my mood.  And it made me realize that yes - this was in fact a mood swing and not a dangerous downward spiral into a dark place.  I was so thankful that it was over.

Depression scares the shit out of me because I have already battled it at various points in my life.  I already know that I am susceptible to it.  I have tried to convince myself many times that my bouts with depression are not "real depression" because they have always had a root cause.  An abusive relationship, a critically ill child, a failing marriage - I had genuine reasons at those times to be depressed.  But I think there does come a point where I have to admit to myself that I don't handle sad very well.  It shouldn't be something I am afraid to address.  I need to let myself be helped.  If it is medicine, or therapy, or just getting the hell out of the situation I'm in - I need to accept help.  It doesn't have to be something I suffer through alone and in silence.

So this is my promise to myself - that I won't be ashamed of the D-word.  If I feel like I am going into that place, I will try my hardest to confront that feeling in myself.  I will tell my family and friends, and I will ask for help.

That wasn't so bad...right?  :)

The One With Hormones

I am feeling so overwhelmed today, that it is hard to articulate my feelings.

Little Man had his first appointment in a new neurological clinic last Thursday.   I met with a lovely and articulate doctor and she gave me about 3000 things to think about - from the easy to the slightly more challenging.  I cried during the appointment.  I hate doing that, as it inevitably leads to the "You're doing just fine Mom" reassurance that I feel is just to placate me.  It was one of those visits I wish Hubs had been there for, because I think I only absorbed about 85% of the information, and I would have loved having someone to be the levelheaded one while I blubbered away.

As with any general clinic setting, I left her office with plenty of homework.  Lots of new doctors to call, lots of diagnoses to follow up on, lots of questions answered and asked.  We'll be starting that homework this week with a new neurologist, a speech and language assessment, another developmental test, and working on getting his records organized.

According to Doctor Lovely, 'state law' says Little Man's newest diagnosis (she says no autism by the way) means he should be getting 45 minutes of Speech Therapy 5 days a week.  Which he is not.  He is getting 0 minutes of therapy a week.  Why?  Well when I told the county that I was not comfortable with Little Man in the school setting they offered or riding a bus to school, they basically told me "Bummer.  Now we stop home services.  See ya in Kindergarten."  Doctor Lovely agrees with me that Little Man would be better suited for home therapy, and she is going to try to help us get some from the county.

I am not holding my breath.  But I am hopeful.  This clinic is a little different in that they don't take any insurance coverage and are entirely funded by "generous donors."  So they run things a little differently, and maybe that is going to be a good thing.  Little Man is receiving a "scholarship" to go there, which is great.  And also fun to brag about.  My four year old has a scholarship.

Unfortunately the appointment on Thursday sent me into a really big tailspin.  I left the office so drained I didn't even have the strength to drive home. I stopped by my godparents house until I could finally pull myself together.  When I got home I was a wreck.  The "what-if" demon was dancing around my thoughts, along with his "you don't do enough for your child" and "you're failing" siblings.  I felt like a crushing weight had been placed on me, and I couldn't get out from under it no matter how hard I tried.

I woke up several times during the night just crying and wishing I knew what the whuck was going on with my emotions.  Hubs of course chose this moment to come down with a massive toothache.  Like I believed THAT.  (Kidding kidding, all jokes aside the poor guy had his tooth yanked out the next day so he wasn't really on his game either!)  But even if he'd been able to talk, he couldn't have stopped the crazy thoughts and buckets full of tears.  There came a point where I just really didn't even know why I was upset anymore, I just knew that things were bad and I felt like they'd never get better.

The mood swing hasn't really gone away yet.  I did get to celebrate my birthday this weekend with my family and friends which kept me out of the funk for most of Saturday.  But today I woke up blue again and there really wasn't a trigger.

I know my hormones are all kinds of crazy with Baby Vegas working on his legs in there (he's plum sized this week!), so I keep reassuring myself this will pass just like the morning sickness.   Right now I barely have the energy to move from the bed to the couch.  But I can and I will power through this - and hopefully I won't piss off too many people in the process.

Babies, blue paint, and owies

I am dead tired.  I could not find a comfortable position to sleep in last night to save my life, which is apparently my new normal lately.  We had our first doctor's appointment yesterday though, and everything is going well - the baby's brain looks symmetrical and he's moving around plenty!  We will still be going to genetic counseling up at Hopkins starting at 12 weeks "just in case."  I don't even want to think about how terrified I am for that.  The odds of this pregnancy being anything like last time are so low... but until they can look me in the eye and tell me what caused Little Man's IVH, I think pregnancy will always be somewhat scary for me.  On the bright side, I really liked my OB down here and he was very willing to answer any questions I had for him.

Back at home, we've finally started the process of repainting Little Man's bedroom.  The first coat of "Thomas-blue" paint is up on the walls, and we hope to completely finish by this weekend.  That way we can decorate and get everything finished while he is spending time at my Ex's.  K and L came down last weekend and helped us knock out the hard parts, so it isn't too crazy to think we can finish everything by then.

Hubs is "painting"

Yesterday Little Man was running his daily loop around the coffee table and tripped over the cord to his DVD player.  He smashed his chin on the corner of the table and began bleeding everywhere.  Trying to put a band aid on or clean the cut was like trying to catch a greased pig.  I've never tried to do that actually, but my grandmother always used to swear it was difficult.   I held him on my lap for over an hour while he tried desperately to rip his own chin off and therefore kept making his cut bleed more.  If I could never do that again it would be swell.  Further thoughts on this event have led Hubs and I to decide that we are going to invest in Neo To Go spray for the future, because there was really nothing else we could do that Little Man would tolerate.

So much drama, such a tiny cut.

Lastly - please tell me we aren't the only family with our outdoor lights and Christmas tree still up?   We are the biggest procrastinators ever.  

The One Where It All Feels Different

I am now officially telling people I am pregnant, instead of just declining a glass of wine while they smile at me knowingly.  This means people like to ask me the hard pregnancy questions like... "Is it a boy or girl?" and "Is it just like last time?"

Well right now, it kind of looks like a tadpole and not a person - give me a minute to cook this one!  And as for like last time... Gahhh I don't know!?!?!?  I don't even remember what week I was in when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man - although it had to have been sometime after Week Four.  Maybe 5 or 6, because my college roommate casually mentioned I should be aware that I'd skipped a period.  I hadn't noticed.  Whoops.  Although to be fair, the only reason she probably noticed is because she counted our bathroom products regularly to make sure I hadn't been using hers.  I am not making this up.

This time though, I'm slightly more aware of my body.   If I was tired last time, I probably chalked it up to excessive late night Taco Bell runs and all-nighters on the papers I waited until the last minute to write.  This time, I know that I am just really freaking tired no matter how much or how little I sleep.  And if I felt nauseous last time, I probably assumed I was recovering from late night Taco Bell runs.  This time, every single thing I want to eat makes me want to hurl.  Except, ironically, Taco Bell.  I am not making this up.

Pregnancy just feels completely new to me.  It is a really strange feeling, to feel like you know nothing about a subject you swear you were a pro on until you started the process all over again.   But to be honest, I don't know why I am not less surprised at how strange this pregnancy feels for me.  Last time I was pregnant I was terrified.  22 years old, alone and scared for the first few months.  Having a baby my senior year of college was never my plan.  The news I was pregnant was greeted with disappointment or anger, and every time I told someone I burst into tears... it wasn't a fun first trimester.  This time I cried tears of joy when I found out we were pregnant, and WE told our parents together, as everyone celebrated.

My first pregnancy did become a joy eventually.  I found the happiness inside me that only bringing a new little one into the world can bring you.  But it is a totally new experience to be able to share all the joys and stresses of pregnancy from the beginning... to be able to talk about my symptoms without that fear of judgement.

I thought I remembered pregnancy.  I thought this time would be a lot like last time.  I never realized just how different this would feel.

The One With A Fetus

"Are you in there little fetus?

In nine months will you come greet us?

I will buy you some Adidas..."

Not everything that happened in Vegas is staying in Vegas... because Hubs and I are thrilled to announce we're pregnant!!

"Baby Vegas" is going to arrive sometime this August!   I'll be nine weeks along this Sunday, and we're going to our first doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

We're so incredibly excited - we've been talking about starting our family since the day I moved in with Hubs.  We decided to wait until after the wedding to start trying because I did not want to spend my time in Vegas watching everyone else party without me, even though Hubs tried to convince me it was no big deal.  Hmph.  Easy for you to say!

I found out so early with this pregnancy - We'd only been home from Vegas a couple of weeks, and I hadn't even missed a period.  But I had a sneaking suspicion, and so I found a long-expired pregnancy test out of the bottom of the junk drawer - and lo and behold, I was pregnant!   I came downstairs and handed Hubs a Christmas gift bag with the test inside, and told him he had to open one of his gifts early.   He was so shocked, although he was curious at first why I had gifted him a thermometer.  *facepalm*  So once it sank in, I had him rush out and buy me more pregnancy tests!  The new tests confirmed it - I was definitely pregnant.

We waited til Christmas Eve/Day to tell our family.   Before the Christmas Eve beer tasting (which I did not participate in, sadly), I handed my mom a gift bag with a t-shirt inside.   The shirt said "You're going to be a grandma again!"   She and the sister were so excited for us - they've been ready for us to have a new baby for awhile now too!   

The next day we told Hub's mom - her t-shirt said "Merry Christmas Grandma!" which caused some confusion.  She thought it was from Little Man... whoops!  But the moment we told her she was also thrilled - it will be her first grandBABY experience, even though she is a great grandmom to Little Man.

After that it was finally time to tell all the friends!  I loved finally being able to tell my best friends that I was expecting, and it made it so much more real!!

Anywho, so that is reason #2454395 why the blog has been so quiet lately - it is hard to write from the heart when you have a secret you are just bursting to tell!!   We'll be back to our regularly scheduled program shortly...